(Author's Note: This article was partially inspired by a humor piece, "Hawkman's Performance Evaluation" written by my friend, Mario Lanza, back in the day for the SNLYou humor website.)
Also, outside pressure has demanded that you undergo regular public drug tests. We all know your powers stem from the Speed Force, but there are plenty of naysayers out there who want proof that you're not using any performance-enhancing substances.
While we appreciate having a group of intergalactic peacekeepers working on our planet, we think your greater dedication to the sector than to the planet Earth in particular has led you all toward not applying yourselves particularly well. Your rings allow you to create constructs that are limited only by your imagination, so why do you only usually create giant fists or walls? Consider creating giant green dinosaurs, or chainsaws, or Lovecraftian horrors the scale
of which will drive most common criminals mad? A little creativity will go a long way toward building your respect on this planet, especially when your widely known main weakness is a primary color. Criminals won't take the time to
make undefeatable yellow costumes if they think you're going to sic Godzilla on them if they step out of line.
theme and leaves you less open to injury.
And please consider ditching the high heels? Amazonian reflexes or no, they're a serious ankle or knee injury waiting to happen and very difficult to run in.
Also, we've reached an era where your name may be considered inappropriate. Have you considered something along the lines of "Martian Personhunter"? Please talk to our PR people for more suggestions.
Hawkgirl & Hawkman
Also, Hawkman, take a look at the same advice given to J'onn about the chest straps.
Additionally, we would like to ask if you'd please refrain from having files featuring intimate information on how to use the weaknesses of every member of the League to defeat them. We understand the necessity to have these things, given the relative ease of taking over a person's mind or the nature of temporary insanity, but these files have fallen into the wrong hands before and will again, and we cannot handle those kinds of personnel shortages. In the future, please keep any and all ideas like this in that brilliant, complex brain of yours.
And then we have the Lois Lane situation. Look, we understand that you're usually in love with her, but your relationship over the years has proven tumultuous at best and dangerously abusive at worst. The sheer number of times you have killed Lois over the years is disturbing, and does very little for your public image as a lifesaver. Killing her once we might have been able to excuse, but killing her repeatedly as you have is a sign of a dangerous trend.
Seriously, until further notice we are placing you on leave. Think about what you have done, and come up with a solution for how these errors of yours can best be remedied. We eagerly await your response on this matter.
And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back!