Category: Valentines

Matt's Top 5 Un-Romantic Characters # 1, Flashman

2/28/2015

Hello dear readers, and welcome back to my month long celebration of fictional characters who just don't have a handle on that whole "romance" thing. Yes, this month my list is dedicated to characters who are inept, unlucky, and or just flat-out awful human beings when it comes to love, but who still entertain me anyway. Already on our list we've had a visit from a Disney "prince" (# 5) a classic romantic comedy sleazeball (# 4), possibly the greatest/worst dad in sitcom history (# 3) and a career path that seems to attract the worst romantic offenders (# 2), but in the interest of keeping things moving, let's move onto the number 1 entry on this list.

Yes, the # 1 spot is taken up by my favorite agent of the British Crown. He's a globetrotting, alcohol-slugging, troublemaking and yes, of course, womanizing scoundrel responsible for saving the world and often shaping its history in the name of Queen and Country.

No, not this guy.

Yes, that's right, I'm talking about the one and only Sir Harry Paget Flashman.

This guy, the one with the face so desperately in need of a fist.

Now for those unfamiliar with The Flashman Papers series, I guess I should offer a little background. Harry Flashman originates as a character in Thomas Hughes' Tom Brown's School Days as a school bully who ultimately gets kicked out for being a drunkard. I haven't read the book but he doesn't sound like the most consequential character. However, in 1969, novelist George MacDonald Fraser took hold of the character and decided to make him into a "hero" of a series of historical novels, where Flashman has adventures throughout pretty much every important event in the British Empire in the last half of the 19th century, often shaping history as he went.

Kind of like Forrest Gump.

However, instead of molding Flashman into any kind of hero, Fraser makes him into the polar opposite. Flashman as a character is an utter coward and toady, driven almost entirely by pettiness, greed and his own lust.

So, more like the gritty reboot of Forrest Gump. With British accents.

As an officer in the British Empire, Flashman often finds himself in the frontlines of some of the greatest conflicts in history, usually do to his own accidental machinations. A shotgun wedding forces him into the First Anglo-Afghan War. Powerful flatulence from bad champagne allows him to survive the Charge of the Light Brigade. A card game he tries to rig leads to him becoming, in the course of one book, a member of the African slave trade, a pimp, a member of the Underground Railroad, a plantation overseer, a slave, a runaway slave and a friend of Abraham Lincoln.

He's led an interesting life is what I'm trying to illustrate.

He is a coward of the highest degree, and in the end this is what makes him into a hero. While braver soldiers are running off to die for England, Flashman is usually somewhere hiding or surrendering or taking a cheap shot at the enemy that somehow saves the day. His ability as a consummate survivor combined with the fact that he is usually the *only* survivor in any given conflict makes him into a national hero, more decorated than nearly any soldier in British history.

So, enough background on the man. Just why does he make this list?

Stuff like this.

There's only one way you can really describe Flashman's love-life: he will screw anything that moves. And I mean just about anything. Though in his later life he admitted to preferring sleeping with royalty, that won't stop him from bedding any woman who crosses his path (including many, many prostitutes) to a point where when imprisoned at one point in his later years he estimates having been with 497 women, though considering how often he is drunk and forgets things that number may be even higher.

And did I mention he was married during all this? No? Well, he is. While stationed in Scotland he seduces the less-than-bright daughter of a powerful merchant, Elspeth, and is forced into a shotgun marriage with her. It was either that, or dueling, and since he doesn't want to chance getting hurt in a duel... well, you get the picture.

Yup, more face in need of a fist.

He even marries women no fewer than three times during the course of his marriage to Elspeth, usually to get out of a jam (and twice in the course of one book, once to a middle-aged Madame and once to an Apache princess).

If he was just an irredeemable cad like this, I wouldn't be able to stand him as a character, but here's the thing that makes Flashman so entertaining for me (especially when it comes to love): whenever he does something awful, something at least two or three times as awful happens to him in retaliation. His lust for Lola Montez leads to him being blackmailed by Otto von Bismarck into pretending he's actually a member of Danish royalty (for a coup, of course). His jealousy over his wife's flirtations with a mysterious businessman (ignoring his own affairs, of course) leads to her being kidnapped by pirates and his being kidnapped by the mad queen of Madagascar, Ranavalona.

And of course, his biggest romance gone horribly awry happened when falling in with a traveling band of prostitutes on their way to the California gold rush. One quite fell for him, and he enjoyed his time with. However, wanting to escape the situation and needing the money, he sold her for $2,000 dollars. Decades later, she came for her revenge by kidnapping him and selling him to the Sioux for torture and execution. While he escaped before the last part could happen, he was partially scalped and nearly killed at the Battle of Little Bighorn.

He's always had an odd relationship with the Americas.

There are a million reasons I should hate Flashman. He is awful, he is stupid, and he is, well, are there any more synonoums for awful? No, I think I'm just going to call him awful again. He's terrible to women and everyone around him (while being slightly less racist for his time than many in the Empire). And yet, in spite of all this, he is one of the funniest damn characters I have ever read for how much he suffers for all of his flaws and as one of the greatest examples of the whole principle of "for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction".

He is an anti-hero in the extreme, in that any heroism on his part is purely incidental, and for that he will never cease to make me laugh.

So dear readers, are there any other Flashman fans out there? Who are some of your favorite unromantic characters? Sound off in the comments below!

And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back!

Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor

Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor

-- Matt Carter

(We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!)

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Matt's Top 5 Un-Romantic Characters # 3, Homer Simpson

2/19/2015

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Yes, I know Homer appeared on a list I did last year of favorite romances (available here for your clicking pleasure). And yes, he and Marge can be incredibly sweet.

You did note the "can" in that last sentence, right? Good. Because it's kind of important to this article. Because as sweet as Homer can be with Marge, he is also exceedingly awful at this whole romance thing.

Visible here in Homer's one love letter to Marge.

To try to do a thorough analysis of all of Homer Simpson's romantic failings would take far more time and data than this blog can adequately support (especially given the number of seasons this show's been around, and how many of them I haven't even seen), so I'm going to have to go through something of a "greatest hits" approach to talking about his flaws.

First off we have Homer's general selfishness and insensitivity towards Marge. This usually manifests itself in simple ways on the show, usually through Homer taking a dangerous and wildly irresponsible job he is in no way qualified for in defiance of Marge.

Amazingly, getting shot by a cannon in a traveling freak show is one of the less dangerous of these jobs he's taken on.

However, this carelessness has manifested itself in a number of even more destructive acts over the years. In one of my favorite episodes, "A Streetcar Named Marge", Homer spends pretty much the entire episode belittling and ignoring Marge's passion for the stage to a level that borders on abuse. Another episode had him nearly destroy their marriage after divulging the secrets of his and Marge's marriage to impress a class he's been teaching on how to have a successful relationship. Even worse, in the classic "Life on the Fast Lane", Homer's lack of care towards Marge's birthday (getting her a present he meant to use for himself, which is apparently a trend) nearly forces Marge into the arms of another man.

Then again, a charming Frenchman voiced by Albert Brooks would be hard to resist, I imagine.

Then of course we have his forgetfulness and overall laziness toward his relationship with Marge. Time and again he has mentioned that they are together out of habit and dependence. This is particularly evident around the holidays, as he tends to completely forget every major holiday, birthday and anniversary that he should get something for Marge for.

Though truth be told, it may be for the best, because when he does remember holidays he tends to halfass things or go completely insane. In the episode "I'm With Cupid", when Apu starts outdoing all the men of Springfield at celebrating Valentines, Homer goes completely ballistic, taking on a number of destructive acts up to including crashing a plane and kidnapping Elton John, just so he won't have to look so bad for failing at romancing his wife.

Though since it gave us the hilarious image of Elton John crammed into a dog carrier, I'll let this one slide.

And finally, well, there is the sheer number of times that Homer has almost cheated on Marge (which I know she's come close a fair handful of times too, but still, not cool). How this happens is something of a miracle considering how awful Homer is most of the time, and usually a fair amount of fate and bad luck is involved, and yes, he always finds his way, never goes too far and always comes back to Marge in the end, but he shouldn't let it keep getting this close!

I don't care how great Mindy is, this shouldn't have happened, Homer!

So why do I still like Homer so much? Because in true sitcom fashion, he nearly always realizes what he's done wrong in the end and tries his damnedest to fix it. He's not a perfect man, and he's one of the first to admit it, but his love for Marge is real, and with his back pushed up against the wall he's willing to do anything to prove it. His back shouldn't need to be pushed up against the wall as often as it is, but at his core he's a good-hearted, lovable oaf and a devoted husband and father.

Well, when he's not doing this, at least.

So dear readers, who else loves Homer, despite his flaws? Who are some of your favorite unromantic characters? Sound off in the comments below!

And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back!

Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor

Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor

-- Matt Carter

(We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!)

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Matt's Top 5 Un-Romantic Characters # 4, Pat Healy (There's Something About Mary)

2/12/2015

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(And yes, I am aware I did this movie for my February list last year, please feel free to check out my entry for then with full back story of the first time I saw it here.)

There's Something About Mary may very well be the hardest I've ever laughed at a movie in a theatre. It's got raunch. It's got slapstick. It's got one helluva cast. Those are the easy things to pick out, the easy things a 13-year-old can appreciate. But the more I watch it as an adult, the more I can see that it has, at its core, a truly sweet center of a classic love story. It just happens to be wrapped in jokes about stalking, the mentally handicapped, animal cruelty...

And genital mutilation, to name a few.

But what earns it a place on this list is one of my all-time favorite movie sleazeballs:

Meet Pat Healy.

There's Something About Mary is the simple story of an amazing girl named Mary who's beloved by all the men around her. Perhaps too beloved, as most of them seem to be stalking her. From shoe-obsessed lunatics to men lying about being crippled to elderly dock workers with sniper rifles, she seems to attract a lot of crazies.

And Brett Favre, though at the time he was meant to be wholesome.

One of the few decent guys after her is Ted (Ben Stiller), a sweet guy who Mary asked to prom due to his sweetness and bravery (and braces.)

Dear god, the braces...

After the aforementioned genital mutilation scene ruins their date, Mary moves away and Ted thinks he's lost her forever. Still, unable to stop thinking about her, he takes the advice of a friend (who SPOILER ALERT is also incidentally stalking Mary) and hires private investigator Pat Healy (Matt Dillon).

Showing off his new dental work here.

While clearly sleazy, Pat is a professional at first and thoroughly investigates Mary for Ted. Unfortunately for all involved, Pat soon sees how awesome Mary is and realizes he wants to be with her too. Considering all the information he's already collected on her about what she likes, he molds himself into her ideal man. A jet-setting, world-traveling architect who loves all of god's creatures and enjoys nothing more than working with the mentally disabled, just like Mary.

The only problem is, he is absolutely none of these things. Even worse, he's a really lousy liar. He constantly contradicts himself, doesn't have any backup plan for when his lies are inevitably discovered, and jumps to some strange places when it comes to solving problems.

Like drugging a dog into liking him only to have to resuscitate it with an electrical wire.

Or cheating at checkers against a mentally handicapped person.

For money.

And that is why they call me Kin Tan Tee!

He is just so utterly awful and smarmy and destructive toward anything that he touches that he can't help but be hilariously awful. Topped off with Matt Dillon's pitch perfect performance mixing smarminess and cheap desperation, and Pat Healy couldn't not be on this list.

Even if he still can't make change for all those Nepalese coins.

So dear readers, who else loves There's Something About Mary? Who are some of your favorite unromantic characters? Sound off in the comments below!

And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back!

Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor

Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor

-- Matt Carter

(We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!)

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Matt's Top 5 Un-Romantic Characters # 5, The Beast

2/5/2015

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Hello dear readers, and welcome back for the first list I've done since... let's see... August? Is that right? No, that can't be. Wait, no, yes, it is. Wow. Sorry about that. Time and book releases and holidays and various other excuses I can list here kind of got out of hand, didn't they?

Sad Smiley does not approve of such excuses.

Well, for the few of you who stuck around in the hopes of seeing another of my semi-comedic lists praising and/or disassembling various pieces of pop-culture, you're in luck! Because I'm back, and while I cannot claim to be better than ever (since I'm probably about the same as where I was last time), I intend to keep this ball rolling.

So, without further ado, let's get this February list going!

Being that I am a big fan of low-hanging fruit, I thought about dedicating this month's list to some of my favorite romantic pieces of pop-culture, what with that holiday whose name escapes me popping up at some point during this month. I think it's that one that involves shooting people in the heart with arrows.

Like this.

However, figuring this was a little too easy, I decided to give myself a bit of a challenge, and so I have decided to dedicate this month's celebration to my favorite anti-romantic characters in fiction. What makes a character anti-romantic? Well, to get on this list, it would help if you were utterly incompetent in the arts of love, are often mistaken for romantic when you are anything but, have extreme misfortune when love is concerned, or are an irredeemable cad.

As well, it'll help if I enjoy their particular fiction, so while I know a lot of great ones will be missing, these are the five that leaped to mind when this list came around. So, without further ado, let us get to entry # 5...

It's no secret I'm a huge fan of Disney films, at least those made in the past 25 years (some exceptions included, yes, that means you Atlantis: The Lost Empire), and though I tend to favor a lot of their more recent stuff strictly for their more modern and well-rounded writing styles, it's hard not to enjoy the charms of The Little Mermaid, Aladdin or The Lion King. It's also hard not to laugh at how terribly dated and still a little behind the times their messages are.

Enter Beauty & The Beast

You may be our guest, but please do not be too loud a guest, lest our master murder us all!

Beauty & The Beast is the classic love story of a monster who kidnaps a young girl, holds her prisoner until she loves him, then proves that he was hot all along which is apparently A-OK with his former prisoner. Disney does a little better with it than you might expect (as a Best Picture nomination and the ability to still make me tear up at the end can attest), but the backbone of it still remains. While he proves that he can be a decent guy (not the can be part of that phrase) when he really tries, for much of the movie The Beast is a monster. He holds Belle prisoner, threatens to starve her if she won't spend time with him, and if his room full of tattered furniture is any indication, he's probably murdered a lot of his transformed servants.

But really, he's a sweet guy underneath.

You don't have to look far online for many articles about how messed up this movie is, from Beast's abusive nature to how Belle Stockholm Syndrome's herself into loving Beast, but not quite (note that she never goes far enough to actually learn his real name), so I'm going to take a different angle and go on my favorite messed-up trait of this otherwise fairy tale romance:

Unlike most love-in-spite-of-circumstances kinds of movies where two combative characters gradually fall in love, Beauty & The Beast throws in a fun little asterisk to this mystical curse that makes the Beast who he is: a time limit. See, he's destined to remain the Beast if he can't fall in love, and have someone reciprocate, by his 21st birthday. While ostensibly added to the story to give a sense of drama, since what's more dramatic than a ticking clock, this time limit really adds an asterisk to the Beast's love for Belle. He has mentally prepared himself for the last ten years (if "Be Our Guest" is any indication, and I choose not to disbelieve a word of that catchy, catchy song) to find a girl to fall in love with, and, well, it makes one wonder if his quick love for Belle comes entirely from genuine affection or if he's got some unconscious awareness that he needs to make this happen if he wants to be a human again.

So, in his way he's kind of trying to find a magical marriage green card, except this green card violently transforms his body instead of preventing him from getting kicked out of the country.

And yet, despite its twisted love story of kidnapping, torture and multi-directional Stockholm Syndrome that will likely involve the characters breaking up shortly after the end credits after they realize how messed up all this was (unless Belle's shallow enough to stick around now that he's hot and she's rich for having married him, which does kind of defeat the purpose of the movie), this movie still manages to be rather sweet and fun and a personal favorite.

Damn you Disney for making this work somehow.

And it has Gaston, easily the funniest, and possibly one of the scariest, of Disney villains.

So dear readers, who else loves Beauty & The Beast in spite of (or perhaps because of) it's many flaws? Who are some of your favorite unromantic characters? Sound off in the comments below!

And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back!

Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor

Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor

-- Matt Carter

(We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!)

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Matt's Five Favorite "Guy Friendly" Fictional Romances # 1, The Fly (1986)

2/26/2014

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Hello everyone, and welcome back to my month-long tribute to my favorite fictional romances that appear in traditionally "guy" oriented fiction (not that guys should feel ashamed of liking such things, please see the # 5 entry of this list for more of that rant). Already we have covered one of the longest-running dysfunctional marriages in cartoon (and television) history (# 5), a modern sci-fi tragedy (# 4), a double-header featuring one of my favorite action movies and a favorite horror film (# 3), and a classic of grossout comedy (# 2), but to top off the list, I have chosen to feature a love story as only David Cronenberg could have filmed it:

Odds on if you remember The Fly, you remember it for it's groundbreaking and Oscar-winning makeup effects, which really are worth remembering and the Oscar they earned.

Seen here as Jeff Goldblum illustrates why I should have put a "THIS ARTICLE WILL BE GROSS" warning at the top.

However, with these effects being so mindboggling and grotesque, people often tend to forget that at it's core, The Fly is one great big Shakespearean tragedy of a love story. Also, please be aware in advance that this article contains SPOILERS for a very awesome movie that should be appreciated if you haven't seen it, and have the stomach for it.

Veronica Quaife (Geena Davis) is an ambitious reporter for a tech magazine at a conference for scientists who hope to change the world. Seth Brundle (Jeff Goldblum) is a painfully awkward scientist who manages to charm her by looking half-decent and promising to show her something never seen before. Indeed he does do this, as he has more or less perfected a machine that can teleport matter. Remember that "more or less" part I just mentioned, it becomes kind of important soon.

I could show you the aftermath of an attempt to transport living matter, but I'd rather show you this cute bunny.

Seth promises her exclusive book rights if she doesn't share his secret with the world, and eager for the opportunity, she agrees. In the process of testing the machine with all of its ups and downs (mostly downs), the two begin to fall in love. It's sweet and fun, especially since Seth clearly has never been in this kind of relationship before, and Veronica is just coming off of a bad breakup, and the two look like they could bring each other the kind of happiness that normally only an 80's trying clothes on montage could bring. Of course, since this is a horror movie, a complication soon arises.

A complication with the improbable name of Stathis Borans (which sounds like he belongs in Game of Thrones) and easily one of the 80's most punchable beards.

Veronica's ex also happens to be her publisher, and he has become jealous of her and Seth. After he threatens to expose Seth to the world, Veronica goes to try and shut him down (which, she does). Unfortunately, Seth becomes jealous, and while she is out he gets drunk and decides to send himself through the teleporter, not knowing that he had an unwanted hitchhiker with him for the ride.

At first, Seth feels rejuvenated by his experience, more energetic and physically fit than he has in his entire life, and after reconciling with Veronica things are going great. Soon, however, these changes in Seth manifest as violent aggression and psychosis, forcing Veronica to tearfully run from him. When the changes begin to take their toll on his body (after a particularly icky scene involving fingernails and lots of white goo), Seth discovers that he was merged at a genetic level with a common housefly, and is rapidly transforming into a monster.

His first instinct is to keep Veronica at arm's length, but when the changes become too terrible, he calls her to him. At this point this transforms into something other than the monster movie you'd expect, as Seth's humanity is intact, the film becomes more of a film of a couple dealing with a terminal illness that gradually begins to erode at the sanity of the afflicted. By the end of the movie, despite his best efforts to stay in control of himself, Seth realizes that he will probably soon hurt her and tries to send her away one more time. However, by this point, the fly part of him has completely taken over and wants to engage in an experiment to combine the three of them using the teleporter.

Really, it's hard to trust the judgment of something that looks like this.

Stathis comes in to rescue Veronica, though is maimed by Seth in the process. However, in interrupting the experiment, Seth is fused with part of the machine itself, becoming a terrible, pitiful cross of man, machine and pain. His last gesture of humanity after having been turned into a complete monster is to beg Veronica to kill him with a shotgun, which she tearfully does.

God that ending is sad. Have another cute bunny.

Seeing the full, natural progression of a sweet new relationship slowly devolve into jealousy, horror and tragedy has always made this film, and this relationship a favorite of mine, even if it is one I'll always need a box of tissues handy for.

So, dear readers, are there any other The Fly fans out there? Am I the only one it made cry? Are there any other unconventional fictional couples you find romantic? Sound off in the comments below!

And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back!

Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor

Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor

-- Matt Carter

(We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!)

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Matt's Five Favorite "Guy Friendly" Fictional Romances # 2, There's Something About Mary

2/24/2014

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Hello everyone, and welcome back to my month-long tribute to my favorite fictional romances that appear in traditionally "guy" oriented fiction (not that guys should feel ashamed of liking such things, please see the # 5 entry of this list for more of that rant). Already we have covered one of the longest-running dysfunctional marriages in cartoon (and television) history (# 5), a modern sci-fi tragedy (# 4), and a double-header featuring one of my favorite action movies and a favorite horror film (# 3) but today I am going to cover one of my favorite sweet relationships hiding in a grossout comedy.

On the surface, There's Something About Mary is fairly typical of the kind of gross-out comedy the Farrelly Brothers were putting out in the mid-late 90's. It was offensive as hell, featuring comedy that involved stalking, cruelty to animals, genital mutilation, making fun of the mentally and physically handicapped, prison love...

...creative use of bodily fluids...

...and psychotic hitchhikers, among many, many other jokes that are in absolutely awful taste. And it's also funnier than hell. I first saw this movie in the theatres with my dad when I was thirteen. We thought we were going to see something stupid and silly and like pretty much every other R-rated comedy that had been released until then. We didn't expect to see what would be one of the years biggest movies and what is widely regarded as one of the funniest movies of all time. We didn't expect to see a movie where we'd laugh until we had trouble breathing. We didn't expect a movie that would be this good on top of everything else.

So, much as I may complain from time to time about how my dad and I don't always agree on our pop culture tastes, I have to thank him for introducing me to most of the landmark pop culture of my youth.

Woogie thanks you too, dad.

Time hasn't diminished how much I love this movie, but it has changed how I appreciate it. While I still love it for its raunchiness and fearlessness (and the always excellent choice to cast Keith David in a supporting role), I've now learned to appreciate it as one of the great, sweet, and fairly weird, love stories of our time.

Just like Harold & Maude, which Mary also namedrops a couple times.

There's Something About Mary is the story of Mary & Ted.

Back in high school, she was the most popular, beautiful and kind girl in school, and Ted was, well, not.

I remember having braces like that. I had nicer hair, though.

Ted was a dork, but sweet at heart, and after he one day defends her mentally handicapped brother from a school bully, she decides to ask him out to prom. Of course, if they were to live happily ever after after only fifteen minutes of movie, it wouldn't be much of a movie, so much like any fictional prom night, there's a fair amount of tragedy involved.

This time, involving a zipper. No, I'm not going to show the close-up picture.

Fast forward fifteen years, Mary's moved away and Ted can't stop thinking about her. On the advice of a friend, he hires a private investigator to see how Mary is doing, and in so doing starts off an epic (and often uncomfortable) journey to reclaim his lost love that at times feels like equal parts Shakespearean comedy of errors and Homer's Odyssey. With dick jokes. (And yes, I mean both of those literary references with a straight face.)

I have no doubt the bard would have approved of a scene featuring a tiny dog under the influence of massive amounts of speed. After all, he did write in the day of bear baiting.

However, the most truly romantic moment of the film comes at the end. After Mary has discovered that she's being stalked by Ted (and close to half-a-dozen other guys, it's a long story), she is confronted by all of her potential beaus at once. Finally realizing that they were all obsessed with how good she made them feel about themselves and that none of them thought about what Mary would want most, Ted reunites her with another ex who never stopped loving her, who would treat her right and who she could live happily ever after with.

Brett Favre. At the time, I'm guessing he was a more wholesome option.

Seeing he was the only one willing to give up his own happiness for her, Mary winds up choosing Ted. Cue the happy ending, the musical number, and the sniper.

This one has always resonated with me because Ted is so damn relatable. He's the geeky nice guy who dreams of getting with the beautiful, smart, fun girl who's way out of his league who winds up getting with her just because he's so damn decent. What can I say, back in high school I dreamed of one day finding my own Mary. Though I didn't find her in high school, I did wind up finding her and have been all the happier for it. Especially since I didn't need some zipper trauma to get there.

So, dear readers, are there any other There's Something About Mary fans out there? Do you think she should have gone with one of her other suitors/stalkers? Are there any other unconventional fictional couples you find romantic? Sound off in the comments below!

And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back!

Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor

Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor

-- Matt Carter

(We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!)

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Matt's Five Favorite "Guy Friendly" Fictional Romances # 3, True Lies & Shaun of the Dead

2/20/2014

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Hello everyone, and welcome back to my month-long tribute to my favorite fictional romances that appear in traditionally "guy" oriented fiction (not that guys should feel ashamed of liking such things, please see the # 5 entry of this list for more of that rant). Already we have covered one of the longest-running dysfunctional marriages in cartoon (and television) history (# 5), and a modern sci-fi tragedy (# 4), but today I am going to cover two, yes, two of my favorite movie romances of all time. That's right, we've got a tie.

Lacking any truly exciting imagery for this, I decided to illustrate this point with a bow tie.

This list of five was a tough one to come up with, since there were actually six that I really liked, however, in realizing that two of them were remarkably similar despite coming from wildly different genres, I decided calling a rare tie was appropriate. First, we have the James Cameron-Arnold Schwarzenegger action classic, True Lies.

Arnold plays Harry Tasker, international super-spy and basically what you'd get if you made James Bond enormous, Austrian, and R-rated. However, when not overseas killing lots and lots of terrorists (for a movie this funny, True Lies has a ridiculously high, and violent, body count), he is a loving family man with a wife, Helen (Jamie Lee Curtis) and daughter. His family does not know what he does for a living, thinking him to be a mild-mannered computer salesman (who just happens to look like a bodybuilder) who works a lot of odd hours. The strain of these long hours lead to Helen seeking excitement in her life.

And since this is a James Cameron movie, that excitement comes in the form of Bill Paxton.

Seeing what he thinks is his wife having an affair with sleazy used car salesman Simon, (who pretends to be a spy to have sex with women and is incidentally played by Bill Paxton in one of his career-best roles), Harry engages in some questionable and highly illegal activities to try and give Helen some excitement by sending her on a fake spy adventure. One striptease, one kidnapping, one nuclear explosion and a whole lot of dead terrorists later, and their marriage is saved! Though maybe finally telling her the truth had a part in that too.

Saving her from a runaway car while dangling from a helicopter was just icing on the cake.

Now let's move on to one of the greatest zombie movies in recent memory: Shaun of the Dead.

The film's tagline reads, "A romantic comedy. With zombies.", and there really is no better way to describe this film. Shaun (Simon Pegg) is a lovable loser (well, less lovable than loser, at least to start) with a go nowhere job, a slob of a best friend, and a beautiful girlfriend who is probably way out of his league, Liz (Kate Ashfield). After forgetting one date too many, Liz breaks up with Shaun, and in traditional romantic comedy fashion he vows to put his life in order so he can win her back. And he might have even done it, too, if it hadn't been for that pesky zombie apocalypse.

Something always comes up.

Instead of barricading in his dingy little flat, Shaun vows to save Liz at any cost, and transforms throughout the movie from a lazy bum to a lazy bum with a new appreciation for his girlfriend and also happens to be a zombie killing machine.

Why can't more romantic comedies end like this?

So, why do I include Harry & Helen and Shaun & Liz on the same entry? Well, because both of them are, at their hearts, romantic comedies about guys who have neglected their significant others and want to do whatever it takes to make things right for them. On top of that, they happen to also be extremely competent entries in their respective genres; True Lies is a strong contender for my favorite action movie of all time (it's neck and neck with Die Hard), while Shaun of the Dead is a serious, and ultra-violent when it wants to be, zombie movie that just happens to have a light British romantic comedy happening in the middle of it. These are two great movies about two flawed, but fixable, relationships that are a blast to watch, and are great takes on not taking your significant others for granted.

Or else.

So, dear readers, are there any other True Lies and Shaun of the Dead fans out there? Are there any other unconventional fictional couples you find romantic? Sound off in the comments below!

And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back!

Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor

Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor

-- Matt Carter

(We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!)

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Matt's Five Favorite "Guy Friendly" Fictional Romances # 4, Jin & Sun Kwon (Lost)

2/11/2014

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Hello everyone, and welcome back to my month-long tribute to my favorite fictional romances that appear in traditionally "guy" oriented fiction (not that guys should feel ashamed of liking such things, please see the # 5 entry of this list for more of that rant). Already we have covered one of the longest-running dysfunctional marriages in cartoon (and television) history (# 5), but today I want to cover my vote for one of the sweetest, and saddest, romances in recent sci-fi memory:

I try not to have the same piece of pop culture show up in back to back months, but when this list hit me there was no way I couldn't include Jin & Sun, a.k.a. possibly my favorite couple in recent television. Though that may come from the fact that they also happen to be in possibly my favorite TV show of all time. Lost tried to do a little of everything during it's 6 year run, and attempted more than a few romantic pairings in their time.

Many of which were sabotaged by Jack's romance face.

But Jin & Sun, problems in their relationship (and occasional lapses in storytelling) aside, were one of the greats.

Sorry, Desmond & Penelope, you just *barely* missed out on this spot for The Constant alone.

Like most characters on Lost, Jin & Sun were survivors of Oceanic Air Flight 815, crash-landing on an island of mystery in the South Pacific. The picture we get of them at first is a pretty bad modern stereotype of the west's view on Asian culture; Jin is tough and stern and domineering toward his meek and quiet wife. A language barrier (they only speak Korean), and Jin's stubborn determination to remain isolated from the rest separates them further from the other castaways to a point where it may affect their very survival.

Jin nearly killing Michael a few days in didn't endear him to the castaways, though might have endeared him to the fans had he succeeded.

However, like pretty much everyone else on Lost, there was a lot more to this couple than meets the eye. Through the show's trademark flashbacks, we get to see the true tragedy of Jin & Sun. She was the daughter of an affluent South Korean industrialist/mob boss. He was the son of a fisherman who wants to make more of his life. In his pursuit to provide a life for her, he accepts a job working for her father with the hopes of being able to save up enough money to support both of them. Instead, her father exploits him, using him as a violent enforcer, crushing Jin's spirit. Seeing what her husband has become, Sun grows distant, having an affair and secretly learning English so she can escape her husband and father. Unknown to her, Jin has been planning to escape this life with Sun, hoping to start anew in America.

The Island is a chance for a new beginning for Jin & Sun, though they have a rough time of it. Still stuck in their old mindsets, the various tragedies and mysterious happenings the Island offers force Sun to embrace her independence and Jin to remember the man he used to be. Their love is rekindled, and they even conceive a daughter. This is right around the time the shit hits the, well, you know...

Through some convoluted means I really couldn't adequately explain in this article, Jin & Sun are separated by the Island's time travel magic by 30 years. While Sun seeks out those she thinks are responsible for her husband's "death", Jin must make a life in the 70's in the hopes of one day seeing his wife and daughter again. For nearly two seasons of the show, they are separated by time, each fighting with every fiber of their being to be together, until, of course, through the help of Island (and TV writers) magic, they reunite.

This would be a good time to stop if you want a happy ending.

If you don't, well... ***MAJOR SPOILER ALERT***

Yeah, in the episode right after they reunite, after we're all convinced they're going to live happily ever after (since what sick, sadistic TV writer wouldn't give them a happy ending after the shit they went through), Jin & Sun are trapped on a sinking submarine and drown together, holding hands. It was the saddest possible ending to one of the series' longest running storylines, and was so utterly unexpected it took my breath away. I'm normally so good at predicting what's going to happen on shows, I even got pretty good at Lost after a while, but this, this was a true, and utterly sad, surprise, and solidifies them as one of my favorite fictional couples of all time.
So, dear readers, is there anyone else who cried at Jin & Sun's fate? Are there any other unconventional fictional couples you find romantic? Sound off in the comments below!
And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back!

Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor

Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor

-- Matt Carter

(We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!)

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Matt's Five Favorite "Guy Friendly" Fictional Romances # 5, Homer & Marge Simpson

2/4/2014

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Welcome to February, one and all! Yes, it is the month of Valentine's Day, which if gender stereotypes are meant to hold true, I should be absolutely terrified of because guys aren't supposed to be romantic and Valentiney. I'll be the first to admit that I've always been a romantic at heart, so this time of year doesn't really scare me. I've got better things to be afraid of.

Like this guy.

As for the whole stereotype of guys not knowing how to be romantic, I find that bull. Real men know how to be romantic, and know how to enjoy romantic media. Still, since traditional romantic fiction may not be everybody's cup of tea (I can only handle so much gooey, urple prose and people staring longingly into each others eyes going on and on about how terribly in love with each other they are without anything else happening), I have decided to dedicate this month to some of my favorite romances that you'll find in traditionally "guy" media. Yes, that's right, this month I am looking to sci-fi, horror, cartoons, gross-out comedies and action movies for some of my favorite sweet, romantic and occasionally downright tragic couples. Kicking off this list, we have none other than...

This one deserves a disclaimer up front. On the surface, Homer and Marge are actually a pretty dysfunctional couple. Over the course of the show's 25 years (also, dear god this show's been on a long time), they've broken up and gotten together and nearly cheated on each other more times than I can count, and that's just in the time I watched the show, which I haven't done actively in more than a decade.

Also, the less said about Homer's parenting skills, the better.

I'm not going to say they're perfect all the time. If they were, they wouldn't be any fun to watch. No, Homer and Marge are dysfunctional as hell most of the time, but the episodes that truly focus on their relationship and what makes them work are truly some of the sweetest ever put on television.

Perhaps the best for this is the old-school episode The Way We Was, which s a flashback explaining how Homer and Marge got together in high school. He was a lazy slob, she was an overachiever, and after a chance meeting in detention after she got caught burning a bra in protest, Homer is head over heels in love with Marge. He makes up a little white lie that he needs her to tutor him in French, they spend some time together, and hit it off enough that she accepts his invitation to prom. When he tells her the truth, she says she doesn't want anything to do with him and goes with fellow popular kid Artie Ziff to prom, completely humiliating Homer (who heads to prom alone and dejected) and leading to this utterly heartbreaking exchange:

However, when Artie gets too grabby post-prom and rips Marge's dress, she realizes that she should have gone with sweet, if slightly dim-witted, Homer, and drives him home instead, leading to this unbearably sweet Homer quote:

Homer: I got a problem. Once you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you. And kiss you. And I'll never be able to let you go.

All their problems aside , I tend to prefer the sweet, supportive side of Homer and Marge. The side where Homer divorces Marge so he can give her the wedding she always should have had, or the one that enlists help from the mob to support her struggling pretzel business, or the one who tries to make the most out of going to a romantic theme hotel without a reservation and getting stuck in the Utility Room.

Homer: No Marge, it's a romantic fantasy! I'm the janitor, and you're the janitor's wife... who has to live with him in the utility room!

I prefer the side of Marge who is, well, usually pretty blameless in their problems, but who will still defend Homer to people who call him stupid (especially her sisters) and who asks her Homey to put on the Mr. Plow jacket before they... snuggle.

Also a bonus, they've got a healthy active sex-life for a couple this crazy.

Sure, the years may have made each of them crazier and their problems more insane, but I will always love the sweet Homer & Marge of the early days.

So, dear readers, are there any other Homer and Marge fans? Are there any other unconventional fictional couples you find romantic? Sound off in the comments below!

And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back!

Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor

Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor

-- Matt Carter

(We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!)

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Matt's Top 5 Un-Romantic Characters # 1, Flashman

Matt's Top 5 Un-Romantic Characters # 3, Homer Simpson

Matt's Top 5 Un-Romantic Characters # 4, Pat Healy (There's Something About Mary)

Matt's Top 5 Un-Romantic Characters # 5, The Beast

Matt's Five Favorite "Guy Friendly" Fictional Romances # 1, The Fly (1986)

Matt's Five Favorite "Guy Friendly" Fictional Romances # 2, There's Something About Mary

Matt's Five Favorite "Guy Friendly" Fictional Romances # 3, True Lies & Shaun of the Dead

Matt's Five Favorite "Guy Friendly" Fictional Romances # 4, Jin & Sun Kwon (Lost)

Matt's Five Favorite "Guy Friendly" Fictional Romances # 5, Homer & Marge Simpson

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