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-- Matt Carter
(We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!)
Hello everyone, and welcome back to my continuing countdown of some of the worst jobs that fiction has to offer (or real world jobs that fiction has made horrifying). Already we have discussed the perils felt by fictional Local Law Enforcement (# 5), fictional School Administrators (# 4), Stephen King Monsters (# 3), and Robin (# 2) but today we move on to a job that's pretty much sex, drugs and rock and roll (and death)... (and also, be sure to visit my wife's countdown on the same subject, visible here.) As a fan of the band and film, I must apologize for being unable to find the correct "n" when writing their name. HELP WANTED: Do you have any education in music? Can you play the drums? Do you love the rock and roll lifestyle? Do you have a death wish? Well, then consider applying to become a Spinal Tap Drummer! Drumming for this band is pretty much like living in one of these movies. PROS: You get to drum for a semi-successful heavy metal band and enjoy the accompanying lifestyle. Playing at all the great venues. CONS: This is going to be a shorter article than usual because there is only one con to drumming for Spinal Tap: you will die a premature death. If this were a trailer, this is where I'd insert the standard record scratch sound effect. Now, it's true, most rock bands have a fairly high mortality rate, especially when it comes to drummers, shedding an average of two members over the course of their career. This is normal. Over the course of its nearly fifty years of existence, Spinal Tap has had 18 regular drummers, all of whom have either died or disappeared without a trace and are presumed dead, leading to what can charitably be extrapolated as a 100% mortality rate. By comparison, you actually stand a chance of surviving being a counselor at Camp Crystal Lake. Though you have to be a virgin. And a girl. Still, you stand a better chance of surviving this job than drumming for Spinal Tap. Not only will you die, but odds favor you dying in some of the worst ways imaginable. Here's a sampling of some of the more bizarre and terrifying ways drummers have died over the years: JOHN PEPYS: Died in a bizarre gardening accident the police said was "better left unsolved". ERIC "STUMPY JOE" CHILDS: Choked to death on vomit of unknown origin. MICK SHRIMPTON: Exploded on stage. RICHARD SHRIMPTON: Sold his dialysis machine for drugs, presumed dead. SAMMY "STUMPY" BATEMAN: Died while trying to jump his tricycle over a tank of sharks during a traveling freak show. The list goes on. A few of these deaths could be considered expected, even normal, but eighteen is unacceptable and maybe even a little terrifying. This trend of deaths almost makes one wonder if this job isn't actually cursed in some way. Methinks he hoped for a music career that never quite panned out. So, do you think you could make it as a Spinal Tap Drummer? What is your favorite worst fictional job? Sound off in the comments! And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back!
Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor -- Matt Carter (We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!)
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AuthorMatt Carter is an author of Horror, Sci-Fi, and yes even a little bit of Young Adult fiction. Along with his wife, F.J.R. Titchenell, he is represented by Fran Black of Literary Counsel and lives in the usually sunny town of San Gabriel, CA. Archives
June 2020
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