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-- Matt Carter
(We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!)
Hello everyone, and welcome back to my continuing countdown of some of the worst jobs that fiction has to offer (or real world jobs that fiction has made horrifying). Already we have discussed the perils felt by fictional Local Law Enforcement (# 5), fictional School Administrators (# 4), and Stephen King Monsters (# 3), but today we move on to a job that many a kid would probably kill for, even though they really shouldn't... (and also, be sure to visit my wife's countdown on the same subject, visible here.) HELP WANTED: Are you an orphan with a grudge, or perhaps an underaged boy or girl (preferably boy) with poor impulse control who wouldn't mind becoming an orphan in the near future? Are you interested in a career that involves little to no sleep while attempting to capture some of the scariest and most dangerous criminals known to man? Would you like to wear short shorts and occasionally share a bed with a perennial bachelor with known, serious psychological problems? Tell me, old chum, do you like gladiator movies? Would you like to live in what is arguably the worst city on Earth and face death every waking moment of your life? Well then, consider a career as Robin! Warning: Your exploits may be adapted into a Joel Schumacher film. PROS: You get to work with Batman, widely regarded as the most awesome man on the planet (according to the internet). Sometimes referred to as "The Goddamn Batman". CONS: You have to work with Batman, a violent vigilante with obsessive tendencies and dangerous mood swings whose whims are often shaped by the times and the dark, repulsive underbelly of Gotham City, widely regarded as one of the worst cities on the planet. Not pictured: A great place to raise kids. Many young people have filled the role of Robin over the decades, and almost all of them were taken in as the ward of Bruce Wayne. He takes in emotionally damaged, if exceptionally skilled, young people (most of them nubile, teenaged boys with near identical physical features, which is not disturbing in the slightest) and trains them into living weapons with which to fight crime. Sure, there are occasional mentions of them going to school, but given the regular indoctrination speeches defending his lifestyle he gives and the violent training he puts every Robin through, this comes across more as him brainwashing damaged young people into following in his footsteps. As most of them are lacking a strong male role model in their lives, they are generally all too eager to follow this crimefighting lunatic. Just another night in the batcave. And let's consider the danger that this job entails. In addition to regularly being forced to track down and capture regular gun and knife toting criminals, Robin's duties often entail taking down some of Arkham Asylum's finest inmates, including but not limited to schizophrenic terrorist clowns, mutant cannibals and self-mutilating serial killers. To most people, Mr. Zsasz would be an episode of America's Most Wanted. To Robin, he is Thursday night's homework. The dangers of this job to Robin and everyone around him cannot be overstated. While Dick Grayson was famously an orphan when adopted as the first Robin, more Robins would follow who still had living parents, and almost all of them would be lost over time due to their child's job as Robin. Tim Drake, Stephanie Brown and Damien Wayne would all lose fathers, while Jason Todd would lose his mother. This, of course, is not ignoring the fact that two Robins (Jason Todd and Damien Wayne) have died in the line of duty. Well. Time to find a new Robin! Finally, I'd like to address the elephant in the room: This is not. A man. You want working with children. Methinks Wayne Manor needs a visit from a social worker. So, do you think you could survive being Robin? What is your favorite worst fictional job? Sound off in the comments! And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back!
Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor -- Matt Carter (We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!)
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Hello everyone, and welcome back to my continuing countdown of some of the worst jobs that fiction has to offer (or real world jobs that fiction has made horrifying). Already we have discussed the perils felt by fictional Local Law Enforcement (# 5) and fictional School Administrators (# 4), but today we move on to a truly fantastical job that's not all it's cracked up to be... (and also, be sure to visit my wife's countdown on the same subject, visible here.) HELP WANTED: Are you a multi-powered demi-god of sorts, but not quite an actual demi-god (you're ancient and powerful but very vague about everything else) with a penchant for evil and a desire to terrorize and watch people suffer? Do you trade in madness and despair? Do you live in a world of poorly defined magical rules that can be made up on the fly and be used to defeat you? Do you like giving tangential psychic visions to people in a better effort to help them defeat you? Then consider becoming a Stephen King Monster! Dental plan not included. PROS: Well, aside from headlining a book (and eventual movie) by an award-winning and best-selling author, if you like dispensing evil, this is the place to be. Job perks include a small town to terrorize (generally in Maine, though expansions to Florida and Nevada have been known to happen) and a myriad of superpowers that are so ill-defined you can pretty much do whatever you want. Including being Ron Perlman. CONS: Sure, if you're unbelievably creepy and powerful, this really is the job for you. Unfortunately, being an agent of evil in a multiverse where God himself frequently cameos, you'll unfortunately have to face incredibly low job satisfaction rates as, by the end of your reign, you will certainly, mostly, lose (more on that mostly part later). Also, there's a good chance you might just be an evil hotel. Or an evil car. Or an evil laundry-folding machine. (Wait, what?) Or an evil lamp. Odds on if you're a monster in a Stephen King universe, you're a shapeshifting demigod of sorts with near infinite powers who usually takes on the appearance of an average-looking guy who may or may not be a clown, is usually quite charming and gives off an air of unease. While this can be cool, these types of powers will almost certainly come with some ridiculous weaknesses. Magic in the King universe is constantly shifting and can often be defeated by sheer force of will, where the people who are fighting against you just need to believe in themselves enough that they will be able to defeat you with some ease (often using random objects, like chunks of silver or cheap storebought magic tricks as deadly weapons). When you can be defeated by a motivational poster, you might want to reconsider your career choices. Furthermore, as a side effect of your unbelievable superpowers, you will almost certainly be giving off psychic vibes that, whether you like it or not, will give a ragtag group of ordinary citizens from the small town you claim as your dominion, probably led by an everyman writer, visions or prophetic dreams that will lead directly to your downfall. It's unfortunate, but it is unavoidable, because you are evil, and evil needs to be conquered. Which can lead to a this guy being defeated by... ...these kids. BONUS PRO: Remember how I said that you would only "mostly" lose? Well, this comes from the fact that if you're evil enough, you will never die. We're given a bunch of clues to believe that Pennywise isn't killed in It, Leland Gaunt opens up another shop in Needful Things, Christine somehow manages to put itself together again after going through a car compactor, Randall Flagg appears on an abandoned island somewhere at the end of The Stand, ready to greet his new followers... Probably these guys. So really, while you're bound to live out an eternity as an 80's Saturday morning cartoon villain, forever shaking your fist as you run away saying you'll get them next time, you'll live to fight and fright another day. So while you may not have the greatest job satisfaction, it will be reliable and steady work. Go ahead. Don't turn around. I'm totally not breathing down the back of your neck right now. So, do you think you could make it as a Stephen King Monster (please say no)? What is your favorite worst fictional job? Sound off in the comments!
And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back! Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor -- Matt Carter (We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!) Hello everyone, and welcome back to my continuing countdown of some of the worst jobs that fiction has to offer (or real world jobs that fiction has made horrifying). Already we have discussed the perils felt by fictional Local Law Enforcement (# 5), but today we move on to another noble profession that fiction has made quite unenviable... (and also, be sure to visit my wife's countdown on the same subject, visible here.) HELP WANTED: Do you have an interest in molding the minds of future leaders of the world? Do you enjoy being overworked, underappreciated and regularly stalked by monsters and madmen? Do you like the fact that, no matter how dedicated and earnest you may be, that you will always be the bad guy and constantly disrespected for just doing your job? Do you like being driven to the point of madness by young punk "rebels" who just don't understand what it takes to do your job? Well, consider a career as a School Administrator! It also helps if you can make this face at the drop of a hat. PROS: What could be more rewarding than teaching future generations? Sure, there are downsides to being any kind of school administrator, be it a principal or a dean, but day in, day out you will get the satisfaction of being part of a system that helps teach right and wrong to our children. Or monsters, as the case may be. CONS: You will always be the villain. Madness. Despair. Possible death. The need to make this face. It's a sad fact of life that, as a fictional school administrator, you will almost certainly be the bad guy. While there's always the chance that you might be the main character in an inspirational principal movie, odds are you'll be a side character in a teen comedy or inspirational teacher movie. Because of this, you will always be the authority figure trying to get in the way of a rebellious student's good time, or the one trying to hold back a maverick new teacher's teaching style that doesn't fit within state guidelines. It doesn't matter if you're right or wrong, whether the student is skipping weeks of school at a time or if the teacher is kidnapping children and forcing them into a battle of the bands competition while teaching them about confidence, you will be the bad guy in these situations. Wait a minute, I'm watching over a detention with a kid who sexually assaulted another kid with tape, one who nearly burned down the school with a flare gun, and a violent criminal with a locker full of marijuana, and I'm the bad guy? As well, there is a higher than average rate of descending into madness while being a fictional school administrator. You see, there will always be one student, or student organization that will always go out of their way to press your buttons. Wanted for pranks, graffiti. Wanted for skipping school, being too cool for said school. Wanted for property destruction, underage drinking, statutory rape, theft of corpses for illicit purposes, inciting a citywide riot, murdering a horse and leaving its body in the dean's office... dear lord, how are these guys the heroes of the movie? And being that psychology does not work in your world as it does in the real world, instead of merely dealing with the problem, or just shrugging it off, you will soon begin to obsess over these malefactors with an intensity that would make Edgar Allen Poe or H.P. Lovecraft say "Hey man, maybe you're focusing on this just a *little* too much." This kind of obsession will transform you from a dedicated educator who just wants to see kids learn and not ditch school, to a lunatic guilty of breaking and entering to prove a kid is ditching school. I just can't get enough of this picture. And of course, if you're unfortunate enough to exist in a horror movie... You Will Almost Certainly Be Killed. Sorry, Fonzi. So, do you think you could make it as an 80's teen movie school administrator? What is your favorite worst fictional job? Sound off in the comments!
And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back! Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor -- Matt Carter (We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!) Hello everyone, welcome to November! It's a month for autumn, it's a month for pumpkin-based things, it's a month to be thankful for things (at least according to the greeting card industry, and if those guys don't know what they're talking about, I don't want to live on this planet anymore). Since I haven't got a lot of Thanksgiving-based television specials memorized enough to make a humorous list out of, Fiona and I decided we'd dedicate this month's list to what we're thankful for. Having been downsized from her current job, and with the job search itself taking longer than we would have hoped, we've decided to try to make the best of the situation and get a few laughs out of it by highlighting what we each think to be five of the worst jobs that fiction has to offer. Now, we're trying something a little different this month, heading out of our usual fandom comfort zones and trying to avoid some of the more clichéd jobs you'd normally find on these lists. So, apologies to Stormtroopers, Redshirts and Camp Crystal Lake Counselors everywhere! And Dharma Initiative Button Pushers. Sorry! So, sit back, relax, and be thankful that your job is probably better than most of the stuff on these lists. So, without further ado, let's get to # 5! (Also, please be sure to check out Fiona's list here.) HELP WANTED: Do you like, thrilling, adventurous work where your life is always on the line and a chief is always breathing down your neck? Do you like being sidelined whenever visiting experts from another jurisdiction come into town? Do you like the high probability that you will be killed by whatever rampaging monster/alien/serial killer/ghost/government experiment gone awry happens to wander into your small town? Well, consider a career in local law enforcement! Author's Note: I feel obligated to note that this article is in no way meant to malign actual law enforcement personnel who day in and day out prove themselves to be unquestionably heroes. No, this article is intended as a parody of how poorly treated they are in fiction, either by regularly transforming them into cannon fodder, having them constantly undermined, or being tremendously stupid. Or all three, like on Under the Dome which is an awful, awful show. As usual, I'll be treating this article with my usual tongue-thoroughly-in-cheek style, so please, read it accordingly. PROS: The thrill and self satisfaction of serving your community. You get a badge and a gun. The opportunity to meet strange, new people with plenty of interesting stories to tell. I'm sure he's got an interesting tale or two to tell! CONS: It all really depends on if you're a main character or if you're, well, not. A main character. Not a main character. If you're a main character, your problems are myriad. The chief/captain/mayor is always going to be breathing down your neck, wanting you to comply with local customs and holidays no matter how many lives are at risk. The only way to save the day usually will involve breaking these rules, which will in turn put your job at risk. Sorry, Al. Furthermore, there is always the problem of jurisdiction. No doubt, whatever problem is going to pop up in your movie/TV series/book is going to require some outside assistance. This will usually come in the form of an expert, usually in the form of the FBI, and they will almost universally be incompetent and won't be able to take care of the problem as well as you could have if it were left in your hands. On the plus side, once their incompetence shows through and they inevitably bite the big one, you can swoop back in to save the day. Of course, there won't be any parades in your honor, but you'll know you did the right thing. Looks like we're gonna need some more FBI guys. Be thankful this is the case, however. If the FBI prove to be far more knowledgeable and competent than you, you run the risk of being a non-main character, and if this proves to be the case, you are almost certainly going to die. If they suddenly show up, just remember to say goodbye to your wife and kids whenever you leave the house, just to be safe. Monsters and maniacs are notorious for killing non-main-character members of local law enforcement just to prove how powerful they really are. While there is a chance that you might survive, it isn't very good. The number of local cops killed throughout the run of The X-Files could fill a decent-sized phone book, and that's not counting fellow coroners, FBI agents and other support personnel. Don't even get me started on 80's horror. Still, it's not all bad. There's always a chance you could end up the main character, and the hero, with a loving wife and kids and nothing bad will ever happen to you. It could happen, right? Maybe I should quit while I'm ahead. So, do you think you could make it as local law enforcement in a piece of horror/scifi/action/80's fiction? What is your favorite worst fictional job? Sound off in the comments!
And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back! Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor -- Matt Carter (We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!) Awesome poster. “Can you ever really trust anyone?” - The Room Yeah, unless you really know me, you probably didn’t see this one coming, but John Carpenter’s 1982 classic The Thing is my favorite horror movie of all time. I know it’s not a favorite all around, I know it’s got its pacing issues and a lot of the other standard problems that go along with all John Carpenter movies, but I’ll be honest: I don’t care. The Thing has been one of my favorite movies ever since the first day I saw it. It was a summer day in 1996, and dad said, “Hey, wanna see a monster movie?” Now, this being a more innocent, fearful Matt, I asked him how scary it was. He said it had aliens and monsters, but they were no worse than the aliens in Independence Day. Since being an 11-year-old boy in 1996 Independence Day was my favorite movie in the world, I figured, what the heck, let’s give this a try. Two traumatized hours later, I was changed for life. On its own, my dad’s statement was not all that inaccurate. The Thing is not a traditionally gory movie. There is very little human blood, only slight dismemberment, and not even that many onscreen deaths. Still, what it lacks in these respects, it makes up for in mindblowing monster designs and terror that still manages to make me feel cold to this day while watching the movie. It has what I still believe to be two of the most effective jump scare scenes of all time (the defibrillation scene and the blood test), and I spent much of my adolescence introducing my friends to this movie and just watching their reactions in these two scenes. It was a cruel, unbelievably fun game. I still have fond memories of watching my best friend at the time leaping halfway across the room screaming obscenities during the blood test reveal. It made up a great portion of my youth, and probably worked as a gateway that helped me become a proper horror fan later in life. Anyway, onto the movie. Antarctica. Winter. 1982. The tedium of an American research outpost is interrupted by a Norwegian helicopter chasing a sled dog, shooting at it and trying to blow it up with hand grenades. An accident destroys the helicopter shortly after it lands, and the gunman is soon killed after raving madly and shooting one of the Americans the dog had run to for safety. Looking to see what caused this mystery, the Americans head to the Norwegian camp only to find it a burned-out wreck. There are signs of furious fighting, violent suicides and bodies deformed in impossible manners. Putting the pieces together, they soon find that the Norwegian camp had discovered a UFO buried in the ice for thousands of years and in digging it up discovered a frozen lifeform from the ship. To their horror, they too discover that not only was the creature still alive, but that it was capable of absorbing and perfectly replicate any lifeform it encounters, even people. Realizing the likelihood that members of their own camp have been taken over, the men soon begin to wonder if they can trust their best friends, and if any of them will make it out of this alive. Two of my favorite themes in horror are claustrophobia and paranoia, and this movie better than any other plays with these ideas to maximum effect. The Antarctica setting of cold, barren wastelands is at once open and forbidding. These men are trapped not by hordes of ravenous zombies outside their doors, but by mother nature herself. This isn’t a horror they can hope to escape, they can’t just run outside, it is one they are forced to deal with from within. This is compounded by the fact that the menace they’re fighting comes literally from within. Unlike most body-snatcher type movies where a person will behave differently when they’ve been taken over, the copies in The Thing are perfect imitations. They don’t behave any differently than they did earlier in the movie, adding a further level of paranoia and whodunit when things start going to hell. They lead you down the path of assuming that a certain person just has to, has to be taken over, and then BAM! they’re revealed to be a red herring in a surprising, often gruesome manner. This atmosphere of fear and paranoia is buoyed by an excellent ensemble cast of 80’s character actors. One of the biggest complaints against this film is that it’s just too many bland-looking guys with beards yelling at each other, but I don’t buy it. Yeah, there’s some overlap, but there are also a lot of distinct personalities hidden within to keep the whodunit aspects going. Kindly old Wilford Brimley plays a great, maybe bad guy with the biologist Blair (kudos to him for his gusto in all of the autopsy scenes). Keith David plays an angry badass like no other. Richard Masur is wonderfully suspicious as the dog-handler Clark, while Donald Moffat plays the pompous base commander Garry to the hilt. And of course, being a John Carpenter movie in the 1980’s, there’s Kurt Russell who plays… Kurt Russell with a beard and sombrero. Gotta love it. This film is one of the great classics of 80’s special effects with some of the most awesome and bizarre creature designs of the day. There is no one set design for The Thing; as an organism that more or less exists at a cellular level, it can change its form and body as it sees fit. It can grow tentacles, spikes, and extra legs as it sees fit, creating some of the most horrifically surreal monster scenes of the day. Makeup expert Rob Bottin may have been out of his depth when taking this project on, but his skills shined through brilliantly, particularly in the infamous defibrillation scene. Every time I see that man’s head detach from the body, grow legs and start crawling across the room, I’m a giddy 11-year-old all over again watching something awesome he wasn’t supposed to see. I get that this isn’t a movie for everyone (as my wife can certainly attest). Hell, this wasn’t a movie for 1982, if the box office receipts are any indication. It is, however, one of my all time favorites, and a movie that to this day still manages to make me feel cold whenever I watch it. It is also my favorite horror movie of all time. (PREQUEL NOTE: In 2011 for some unbelievable reason Universal Studios released a prequel to The Thing, based on the events of the Norwegian outpost. The film bombed, and has had a mixed reaction from viewers and Thing fans alike. I went in nervously, not knowing what to expect, and was pleasantly surprised. While flawed, it’s a pretty fun little movie that is very reverent toward the original source material, explaining all the little plot points in the Norwegian base scenes nicely. It falls apart at the end, but is still immensely fun, even with the overreliance on computer-generated Thing effects. Hell, my wife even loves it, and considering her opinions on the first movie, that’s pretty damn impressive.) I just want to thank everyone who stuck by The Long Halloween, this was a fun, grueling project to pull off, and I hope you had as much fun reading (or commenting, or arguing with me) as I did. Have a safe and Happy Halloween, and just remember, if you hear a strange sound at the door, don't investigate it. If you do investigate it, don't split up. If you do split up, don't do it while being naked and/or getting drunk. If you do all of the above here, well, let's just say you made it easy for the killer.
Agree? Disagree? Have your own favorites you want to talk about? Sound off in the comments! And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back! Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor -- Matt Carter (We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!) (For the introduction to The Long Halloween, my 31 day countdown of my favorite horror movies, please click here.) I’ve had an interesting relationship with the film Scream over the years. When it first came out on video, dad went out to Blockbuster (it’s what used to be called a “video store”) and rented a copy to see what all the hubbub was about. Naturally, my untrained 11-year-old eyes weren’t exactly expecting what they wound up seeing. The opening murder scene was about the most disturbing thing in the world I’d ever seen (it's still up there, even after all I've seen in subsequent years), and I had trouble sleeping for the next two nights. As I grew older, and Scream grew more popular, I started joining the Scream bashers, the people who hated it because it was popular even though I really had nothing tangible against it. When I became a horror critic for a few years, it was not only popular, but expected to hate Scream for ushering in all the half-assed imitators of the day. Again, though, I had nothing really against it, as I hadn’t seen it since a half-remembered viewing back when I was 11. Then, as time passed, and I grew older, and I started to build my horror collection properly, I found a copy of Scream at a used DVD store for about $4. Figuring I didn’t have anything to lose, and wanting to get an educated view of what the film was actually like, I popped Scream in and was entranced. This movie was scary, this movie was funny, this movie was insanely well-written. It wasn’t just a deconstruction of the slasher genre, but a multi-layered whodunit that just happened to disguise itself as a deconstruction of the slasher genre. Time and repeated viewings have made this into one of my favorite movies, and a film that was *this* close to making it to the # 1 spot on this list. The small town of Woodsboro is rocked by the brutal murder of two teenagers late one night, killed by an unseen maniac in a ghost costume who gets his kicks calling up and tormenting his victims with sick games based around horror movies. This hits Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) the hardest, as it is reminiscent of her mother’s murder one year before. The killer soon turns their attention to her, stalking and taunting her with details that only her mother’s killer could know. Aided by tabloid journalist Gale Weathers (Courtney Cox), sheriff’s deputy Dewey Riley (David Arquette) and her boyfriend Billy Loomis (Skeet Ulrich), Sidney works to find the killer before her hometown is turned in to a bloodbath. This film’s concept (killer in a ghost mask murdering teens in a small town) is about as stale and clichéd as you can get. Sure, the telephone stalking was a fairly novel concept at the time, but When a Stranger Calls did it first decades before, so it doesn’t even have that on its side. No, what made Scream truly unique in its time, was that it was the first major movie where the characters were aware of the existence of horror movies and the clichés that went into them. Films like Halloween, A Nightmare on Elm Street and Prom Night are quoted freely. Characters acknowledge the “rules” of horror movies only to break them mere seconds later. It’s a high-concept plot device that could have easily exploded in the filmmakers faces, but instead turned into one of this film’s greatest assets. All at once it is a love letter to and a pitch-black parody of 80’s horror movies. As well, it is a movie that defies genres. At its core, of course, it’s a horror movie, however you can break up the film’s three acts into separate, awesome subgenres. The first act of the film is a traditional 80’s slasher movie, full of masked killers and some of the best horror put onscreen. The opening scene where the killer torments Drew Barrymore over the phone, breaking her down before killing her (a nice twist, given how prominent she was on all the film’s posters) still gives me the chills after all these years. The second act of the film is a surprisingly solid whodunit. We’re given this cast of characters, they are slowly whittled down, and we have to figure out who was where and when, and we get to try to figure out who the killer actually is. It may seem easy at first, but they keep throwing little twists and red herrings in that make it impossible to finger any suspect for sure. The third act, once the killer is actually revealed, transforms this into a near slapstick comedy. Once we know who the killer is, and see how their grand plan is foiled, this turns into one of the funniest damn horror movies ever made. I can’t say enough how much I love this movie. I love the writing, I love the directing, I love the cast, I love how twisted and bloody the final act becomes. I feel stupid for having not given this film a chance over the years, and am proud to call it one of my favorite movies of all time. Agree? Disagree? Have your own favorites you want to talk about? Sound off in the comments!
And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back! Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor -- Matt Carter (We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!) (For the introduction to The Long Halloween, my 31 day countdown of my favorite horror movies, please click here.) As the newest, and perhaps strangest, entry in my Top 10, Cabin in the Woods is easily the most difficult to review and rank. For one, it hasn’t had the years to leave an impression that the rest of these films have, so I can’t quite stack it up to them yet. It’s jumped all around my Top 10 since this list was formed, bottoming out at # 9 and even spending a brief stretch of time in the # 1 spot. I do believe it is just that good, but at the same time I can’t say for sure just yet that it really deserves that spot. For another, this film, more than most, requires discretion from a reviewer’s standpoint, as most of the fun of this movie for first-time viewers comes from not knowing where exactly it’s going. You think you know the story, you think you know where it’s going, but Cabin in the Woods will surprise you at every turn, often in the most insane way possible. As of now it probably ranks in my Top 10 favorite movies of all time. Though only time will tell if it will earn my # 1 spot on my horror list, right now it sits at a much deserved # 3. Five college kids head out for a weekend of fun and debauchery at an isolated country cabin. They’re familiar archetypes, the jock, his scantily-clad blonde girlfriend, the sweet, quiet girl, the stoner, the smart guy (you can tell because he sometimes wears glasses). Like most kids in these types of movies, they are only interested in sex, drugs and ignoring the warnings of the crazy old guy who runs the gas station nearby. However, things aren’t entirely as they seem. This cabin and the surrounding forest are rigged with thousands of video cameras, monitoring their every move. Drugs waft in from hidden vents, controlling their actions. An unseen energy barrier keeps them from escaping these woods. They are being watched and controlled by unseen puppeteers for a greater, more sinister purpose than any of them could ever imagine. …and that’s where I have to stop describing this movie, lest I give anything major away. This film is a genre fan’s dream come true. Creators Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard have painstakingly deconstructed the entire horror genre with this film, sprinkling it with hundreds of little references and nods to classic films and tropes, seeking to explain them while at the same time subverting them. They know what we go in expecting, and then they come in to pull the rug out from underneath us in a lot of wonderfully unexpected ways. The fact that they do that with a very clever, infinitely quotable script makes it all the better. And again, it’s the people who truly bring this film into another realm of awesomeness. Though each of the main five college kids was cast to fill their archetype, each brings something more to the film. A pre-Thor Chris Hemsworth brings charisma and intelligence to spare to the role of Kurt, the supposed meathead jock, proving once again that he is one of the best up and coming talents of the day. Fran Kranz brings most of the laughs and the quotes with stoner character Marty, who seems to be pretty dim but ultimately turns out to be the smartest one in the group. The true stars, for me at least, are character actor greats Bradley Whitford and Richard Jenkins. Playing two of the “puppeteers” working behind the scenes to manipulate these kids every move, they look like 1960’s NASA engineers, boring, stiff, but ultimately bringing out some of the biggest laughs the movie has to offer. I’d love to go into more detail, but I really don’t want to ruin any of the surprises this movie has to offer. Cabin in the Woods is one of the rare works of art that manages to succeed at the metafictional narrative. It succeeds at parodying, and even explaining many of the classic horror movie clichés, showing not only why they exist, but why they *must* exist in their universes. It could have easily failed at its lofty goal of providing an explanation for basically every horror movie in existence, but with a top-notch script, a charismatic cast, and some of the best creature effects in recent memory, it succeeds in almost every way imaginable. It may very well be the ultimate horror movie. See this movie. See it as soon as possible. It will make you believe in unicorns. Watch out for that "Let's Split Up" gas. Agree? Disagree? Have your own favorites you want to talk about? Sound off in the comments!
And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back! Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor -- Matt Carter (We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!) (For the introduction to The Long Halloween, my 31 day countdown of my favorite horror movies, please click here.) When I first wrote this list for my personal Facebook page last year, one of the hardest films for me to cut from the list was Jaws. It has always been, in my opinion, one of the scariest movies ever made, and has always (well, always once I lost my early fear of it) been one of my favorite movies of all time. However, back when I was first making this list, it just didn't seem traditionally "horror" enough to earn its spot on this list, and I lamentably had to kick it off. One year of hindsight later has helped me realize two things: 1) That this movie is still scary as hell and could be called horror with only the slightest amount of stretching and 2) This is my list and I can do whatever the hell I want. So, here it is, in the # 4 spot on my list of favorite horror movies of all time (and a strong contender for my favorite movie of all time), Jaws. It's summer on scenic Amity Island, and with the 4th of July ahead the townsfolk should be focusing on just how crazy their profits are going to be this year. However, a man-eating Great White Shark has been feeding in the waters off Amity, killing bathers and fishermen alike. Though the mayor wants to keep a lid on this, these shark attacks soon get out of control and gain national attention. This forces an unlikely trio of men together to hunt down the shark; police chief Martin Brody (Roy Scheider), ichthyologist Matt Hooper (Richard Dreyfuss) and veteran shark hunter Quint (Robert Shaw). Trapped on a boat together these men have to survive not only the shark, but each other, as their hunting expedition transforms into a life or death struggle against one of nature's greatest predators. Considering this movie's troubled production, it's a miracle it ever got made at all. Temperamental mechanical sharks and the problems usually associated with filming on the water ballooned the film's cost and filming schedule. There were multiple near revolts behind the scenes, which for a first time big-picture director Stephen Spielberg might have led to the end of an illustrious career before it had ever really started. However, in the end the Jaws team prevailed and pieced together what may very well be one of the few perfect movies out there (for more details on this production, check out the documentary The Shark is Still Working on the Jaws Blu-Ray release.) You couldn't ask for a better trio of actors than Scheider, Dreyfuss and Shaw in these three lead roles. They are each announced as experts in their own particular fields, but are soon proven to be fish out of water (pun thoroughly intended) when facing this massive, killer shark. Praise is always heaped upon Shaw for his portrayal of Quint, and rightly so, as he brings a dark, grizzled energy to the movie, especially during his sublimely creepy monologue about the fate of the U.S.S. Indianapolis. However, great as his performance is, the other two are more than capable of matching him. Nobody can play the weary, slightly annoyed but ultimately capable cop like Scheider, and for my money nobody can play the cocky jackass quite like 70's era Richard Dreyfuss. While the men in front of the camera make the movie, the behind the scenes work makes this truly special. Spielberg shows an eye for the dramatic that masks the fact that he was still fairly inexperienced when this job was dropped in his lap. Editor Verna Fields ramped up the tension insanely with her expert scene compositions and clever editing tricks that quite deservedly gained her an Oscar for this movie. When the mechanical shark repeatedly broke down, she managed to use what little footage they did have and made what could have otherwise been a basic monster movie into something truly special, where we barely see the titular villain until the film's final act. Composer John Williams created one of the truly iconic movie themes that remains utterly terrifying to this day (despite being kind of goofy in its own right), and easily ranks in the top pantheon of horror soundtracks (somewhere up there with Psycho and Halloween). And let us not forget the shark effects. While it kept breaking down (with one of them still sunk off the shore of Martha's Vineyard somewhere), the mechanical shark effects are still effective and creepy as hell to this day. While they may not realistically portray a Great White Shark, they are still unbelievably cool and creepy to this day. There may come a time where I will have to write a more dedicated article on Jaws, but until then... Farewell and adieu... Agree? Disagree? Have your own favorites you want to talk about? Sound off in the comments!
And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back! Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor -- Matt Carter (We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!) (For the introduction to The Long Halloween, my 31 day countdown of my favorite horror movies, please click here.) This was perhaps the most difficult movie for me to rank on the entire list. Over the course of the list’s design it’s held every spot between # 1 and # 3, and ultimately it fell to # 5. This is not a knock on the film’s quality or importance in the slightest, but more just a matter of personal preference, in that there are four more movies that have elements in them that push them more into my personal favorite territory. Nevertheless, it has come time to pay respects to one of the greatest movies ever made. If you were to ask me what I believed the most important horror movie of all time was, without a doubt I would tell you Halloween. Sure, you could make cases for Psycho, or Night of the Living Dead, or Jaws, or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, as they all came before Halloween and they were all innovators in their field, but I still would not hesitate to call Halloween the most important of them all. This low-budget movie about an escaped mental patient stalking and murdering babysitters on Halloween night remains one of the simplest, scariest, and most brilliantly executed horror movies of all time, and would forever change the genre as it established a new status quo. All the tropes of the genre that would later become cliché were established in this movie, and it must be acknowledged and respected (and maybe criticized, if only slightly), for that. On Halloween night, 1963, in Haddonfield, Illinois, six-year-old Michael Myers brutally murders his older sister with a kitchen knife. Fifteen years later, he remains in a mental institute, under the constant care of Dr. Sam Loomis (Donald Pleasance) who believes Michael to be pure evil. As he has been in a catatonic state since his sister’s murder, everyone thinks him crazy, at least until Michael breaks out. Loomis knows that Michael is out on a quest for blood that will lead him back to Haddonfield, and into the life of young babysitter Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis). All the rules that became so popular to emulate and reference in horror movies of the 1980’s have Halloween to thank for creating. Everything from the final girl, to the slow-moving killer, to the sluts and stoners have to die mentality, all of it started here. It did them first, and while others would go out of their way to do it better in the future, Halloween is still the gold standard by which the rest would be judged. However, while all the other films that would follow Halloween thought that buckets of blood and gore running down the screen would be the best way to get an audience, Halloween knew better. It knew that true terror doesn’t need blood, it just needs darkness, and imagination, and a man in a white mask, staring at you coldly, mercilessly… Indeed, one of the things that Halloween has going most in its favor is a sense of class in its performances and filming. Donald Pleasance brings a strange sense of amused professionalism in his combination mentor/doomsayer character Dr. Loomis, a seemingly timid man who will go to any lengths to prevent the spread of evil, much like a modern day Van Helsing. On the other side of the coin we have Jamie Lee Curtis in her first starring role as Laurie Strode. She’s virginal, she’s sweet, and she’s got one helluva set of lungs on her (as her Scream Queen title will attest), but when her back is against the wall she pulls out great strength more believably than most of the teeny-bopper final girls that would follow her. Nick Castle’s silent, yet frightening turn as Michael Myers, is one of the most interesting. Cast by director John Carpenter simply because he had a creepy walk, he indirectly wound up creating all the mannerisms and motions that would become almost mandatory in masked killers that would follow him. His performance is understated and simple, yet completely menacing. And credit given where it’s due, John Carpenter really knocks this film out of the park. The guy has about a 50/50 success rate with his movies, with his films either falling into the classic category or the bomb category, with none more classic than Halloween. He knows how to get the most out of his actors, he knows how to frame every shot to gain maximum suspense (the shot of Michael Myers sitting up after Lori supposedly stabbed him to death still gives me the willies), and that score, THAT SCORE! How many nightmares were created with that simple synthesizer score of his? I know I’ve given a lot of credit to movies where splatter reigns supreme and blood runs down the screen by the gallon, but in my heart, I just like good, scary movies. Halloween is one of the simplest, and the scariest, and will always hold a place in my heart. (P.S. One of the coolest things about Halloween? I grew up in Haddonfield. In reality, all of the Haddonfield, Illinois scenes were filmed in South Pasadena, California. I walked to school along the same streets that Michael Myers stalked Laurie, went to the same high school where they picked up Lynda from cheerleading practice, hell, I still drive by the Myers House on my way to the Laundromat, even though it’s now a chiropractor’s office. One of the many, many fun things about living in Southern California.) Agree? Disagree? Have your own favorites you want to talk about? Sound off in the comments!
And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back! Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor -- Matt Carter (We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!) (For the introduction to The Long Halloween, my 31 day countdown of my favorite horror movies, please click here.) I’m sure nobody saw this one coming; this is one of the ultimate dark horse horror flicks of all time, almost nobody saw it when it first came out, but it was a favorite of mine from the first moment I saw it. While most of the movies that have made it this high on my list have earned their spots through consistent greatness throughout, or a lot of nostalgia giving me fond memories of the film, The Mist is one of those movies that makes it this high simply by the virtue of one single, amazing moment that I can’t believe anyone had the guts to put on screen. That’s not to say The Mist isn’t a great movie in its own right, it really is. It’s one of the best and most unique monster movies that’s been put through in recent years, and is one of the best Stephen King movies ever made, even if nobody really saw it when it first came out. Based on the Stephen King novella (one of my top five favorites of his stories, if I’m going to be honest), The Mist follows a group of people from a small town in Maine (naturally) trapped in a grocery store after a mysterious storm and power outage. When a man comes running in saying something in “The Mist” killed another man, they are skeptical. However, when the mist rolls in, enveloping the store, they are left only with their imagination and the strange sounds coming from outside to ramp up their fear. Soon, after the threats within the mist make themselves clear, fear gives way to paranoia, and paranoia gives way to religious mania when one woman within the store declares this the end of times, and that only she has the answers that will save them. In time, the monsters within the mist become the least of their worries. Director Frank Darabont had already directed two Stephen King movies by this point with The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile, but not having adopted any of King’s horror work I was a bit dubious when I saw him signed on to this project at first (this was before The Walking Dead, kids). However, his early years writing 80’s horror movies really shows through as he helps transform The Mist into the big, creepy as hell monster movie that it was meant to be. He is an expert at ramping up tension, taking full advantage of the mundane setting and making it all the more claustrophobic and binding as the movie progresses. Much of the fear comes from not knowing what is within the mist, and even once we see what is there, we wish we hadn’t. All of the monster set pieces in this movie are suitably horrifying and grotesque. Though the origins of these monsters is never explicitly stated, it is hinted that they may be from another dimension that intersected with our own. As such, the creatures are recognizable, but different and unsettling, existing in forms and moving in ways that should not be. Though I am kind of an old school purist when it comes to my special effects (practical effects, all the way!), the digital creations in this movie are suitably otherworldly and entirely unsettling. However, at its core this film is a character drama, and that is where the true heart and terror come in. Thomas Jane plays the great Stephen King standby everyman hero, trying to protect his young son while trying to make sense of what has happened to the world, while backed up by an expert cast of character actors including Andre Braugher, Toby Jones, Laurie Holden, Frances Sternhagen and Jeffrey DeMunn. However, the true star of the movie has to be Marcia Gay Harden in the occasionally over-the-top, but often creepy role of Mrs. Carmody. A religious zealot, she starts the movie out looking like a madwoman, but slowly and seductively gains a cultlike following in the store. She falls into the role with great relish, never giving up on the character’s insanity, but growing more bombastic as she gains more power and believers within the store. The scene where she leads a lynch mob to stab and execute a soldier by forcing him out to face the monsters within the mist still gives me chills. So I’ve gone over why this is a good movie, but what makes it top 10 worthy? Hell, what makes it # 6 worthy? It earns this spot entirely on the merits of one scene: the ending. To go into details would be giving away massive spoilers, so I’ll do what I can to do it justice without giving it away. In short, it is quite possibly the bleakest ending attached to a major studio release I have ever seen. I’d never believed any film could have the balls to pull off the ending this one did. Hell, when Stephen King himself says, “Man, I wish I’d thought of that…”, you know you have to be doing something right. See how many cast members of The Walking Dead you can spot, kids! Agree? Disagree? Have your own favorites you want to talk about? Sound off in the comments!
And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back! Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor -- Matt Carter (We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!) |
AuthorMatt Carter is an author of Horror, Sci-Fi, and yes even a little bit of Young Adult fiction. Along with his wife, F.J.R. Titchenell, he is represented by Fran Black of Literary Counsel and lives in the usually sunny town of San Gabriel, CA. Archives
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