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-- Matt Carter
(We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!)
Hello everyone, and welcome back to my continuing countdown of some of the worst jobs that fiction has to offer (or real world jobs that fiction has made horrifying). Already we have discussed the perils felt by fictional Local Law Enforcement (# 5), fictional School Administrators (# 4), Stephen King Monsters (# 3), and Robin (# 2) but today we move on to a job that's pretty much sex, drugs and rock and roll (and death)... (and also, be sure to visit my wife's countdown on the same subject, visible here.) As a fan of the band and film, I must apologize for being unable to find the correct "n" when writing their name. HELP WANTED: Do you have any education in music? Can you play the drums? Do you love the rock and roll lifestyle? Do you have a death wish? Well, then consider applying to become a Spinal Tap Drummer! Drumming for this band is pretty much like living in one of these movies. PROS: You get to drum for a semi-successful heavy metal band and enjoy the accompanying lifestyle. Playing at all the great venues. CONS: This is going to be a shorter article than usual because there is only one con to drumming for Spinal Tap: you will die a premature death. If this were a trailer, this is where I'd insert the standard record scratch sound effect. Now, it's true, most rock bands have a fairly high mortality rate, especially when it comes to drummers, shedding an average of two members over the course of their career. This is normal. Over the course of its nearly fifty years of existence, Spinal Tap has had 18 regular drummers, all of whom have either died or disappeared without a trace and are presumed dead, leading to what can charitably be extrapolated as a 100% mortality rate. By comparison, you actually stand a chance of surviving being a counselor at Camp Crystal Lake. Though you have to be a virgin. And a girl. Still, you stand a better chance of surviving this job than drumming for Spinal Tap. Not only will you die, but odds favor you dying in some of the worst ways imaginable. Here's a sampling of some of the more bizarre and terrifying ways drummers have died over the years: JOHN PEPYS: Died in a bizarre gardening accident the police said was "better left unsolved". ERIC "STUMPY JOE" CHILDS: Choked to death on vomit of unknown origin. MICK SHRIMPTON: Exploded on stage. RICHARD SHRIMPTON: Sold his dialysis machine for drugs, presumed dead. SAMMY "STUMPY" BATEMAN: Died while trying to jump his tricycle over a tank of sharks during a traveling freak show. The list goes on. A few of these deaths could be considered expected, even normal, but eighteen is unacceptable and maybe even a little terrifying. This trend of deaths almost makes one wonder if this job isn't actually cursed in some way. Methinks he hoped for a music career that never quite panned out. So, do you think you could make it as a Spinal Tap Drummer? What is your favorite worst fictional job? Sound off in the comments! And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back!
Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor -- Matt Carter (We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!)
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Hello everyone, and welcome back to my continuing countdown of some of the worst jobs that fiction has to offer (or real world jobs that fiction has made horrifying). Already we have discussed the perils felt by fictional Local Law Enforcement (# 5), but today we move on to another noble profession that fiction has made quite unenviable... (and also, be sure to visit my wife's countdown on the same subject, visible here.) HELP WANTED: Do you have an interest in molding the minds of future leaders of the world? Do you enjoy being overworked, underappreciated and regularly stalked by monsters and madmen? Do you like the fact that, no matter how dedicated and earnest you may be, that you will always be the bad guy and constantly disrespected for just doing your job? Do you like being driven to the point of madness by young punk "rebels" who just don't understand what it takes to do your job? Well, consider a career as a School Administrator! It also helps if you can make this face at the drop of a hat. PROS: What could be more rewarding than teaching future generations? Sure, there are downsides to being any kind of school administrator, be it a principal or a dean, but day in, day out you will get the satisfaction of being part of a system that helps teach right and wrong to our children. Or monsters, as the case may be. CONS: You will always be the villain. Madness. Despair. Possible death. The need to make this face. It's a sad fact of life that, as a fictional school administrator, you will almost certainly be the bad guy. While there's always the chance that you might be the main character in an inspirational principal movie, odds are you'll be a side character in a teen comedy or inspirational teacher movie. Because of this, you will always be the authority figure trying to get in the way of a rebellious student's good time, or the one trying to hold back a maverick new teacher's teaching style that doesn't fit within state guidelines. It doesn't matter if you're right or wrong, whether the student is skipping weeks of school at a time or if the teacher is kidnapping children and forcing them into a battle of the bands competition while teaching them about confidence, you will be the bad guy in these situations. Wait a minute, I'm watching over a detention with a kid who sexually assaulted another kid with tape, one who nearly burned down the school with a flare gun, and a violent criminal with a locker full of marijuana, and I'm the bad guy? As well, there is a higher than average rate of descending into madness while being a fictional school administrator. You see, there will always be one student, or student organization that will always go out of their way to press your buttons. Wanted for pranks, graffiti. Wanted for skipping school, being too cool for said school. Wanted for property destruction, underage drinking, statutory rape, theft of corpses for illicit purposes, inciting a citywide riot, murdering a horse and leaving its body in the dean's office... dear lord, how are these guys the heroes of the movie? And being that psychology does not work in your world as it does in the real world, instead of merely dealing with the problem, or just shrugging it off, you will soon begin to obsess over these malefactors with an intensity that would make Edgar Allen Poe or H.P. Lovecraft say "Hey man, maybe you're focusing on this just a *little* too much." This kind of obsession will transform you from a dedicated educator who just wants to see kids learn and not ditch school, to a lunatic guilty of breaking and entering to prove a kid is ditching school. I just can't get enough of this picture. And of course, if you're unfortunate enough to exist in a horror movie... You Will Almost Certainly Be Killed. Sorry, Fonzi. So, do you think you could make it as an 80's teen movie school administrator? What is your favorite worst fictional job? Sound off in the comments!
And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back! Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor -- Matt Carter (We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!) Hello everyone, welcome to November! It's a month for autumn, it's a month for pumpkin-based things, it's a month to be thankful for things (at least according to the greeting card industry, and if those guys don't know what they're talking about, I don't want to live on this planet anymore). Since I haven't got a lot of Thanksgiving-based television specials memorized enough to make a humorous list out of, Fiona and I decided we'd dedicate this month's list to what we're thankful for. Having been downsized from her current job, and with the job search itself taking longer than we would have hoped, we've decided to try to make the best of the situation and get a few laughs out of it by highlighting what we each think to be five of the worst jobs that fiction has to offer. Now, we're trying something a little different this month, heading out of our usual fandom comfort zones and trying to avoid some of the more clichéd jobs you'd normally find on these lists. So, apologies to Stormtroopers, Redshirts and Camp Crystal Lake Counselors everywhere! And Dharma Initiative Button Pushers. Sorry! So, sit back, relax, and be thankful that your job is probably better than most of the stuff on these lists. So, without further ado, let's get to # 5! (Also, please be sure to check out Fiona's list here.) HELP WANTED: Do you like, thrilling, adventurous work where your life is always on the line and a chief is always breathing down your neck? Do you like being sidelined whenever visiting experts from another jurisdiction come into town? Do you like the high probability that you will be killed by whatever rampaging monster/alien/serial killer/ghost/government experiment gone awry happens to wander into your small town? Well, consider a career in local law enforcement! Author's Note: I feel obligated to note that this article is in no way meant to malign actual law enforcement personnel who day in and day out prove themselves to be unquestionably heroes. No, this article is intended as a parody of how poorly treated they are in fiction, either by regularly transforming them into cannon fodder, having them constantly undermined, or being tremendously stupid. Or all three, like on Under the Dome which is an awful, awful show. As usual, I'll be treating this article with my usual tongue-thoroughly-in-cheek style, so please, read it accordingly. PROS: The thrill and self satisfaction of serving your community. You get a badge and a gun. The opportunity to meet strange, new people with plenty of interesting stories to tell. I'm sure he's got an interesting tale or two to tell! CONS: It all really depends on if you're a main character or if you're, well, not. A main character. Not a main character. If you're a main character, your problems are myriad. The chief/captain/mayor is always going to be breathing down your neck, wanting you to comply with local customs and holidays no matter how many lives are at risk. The only way to save the day usually will involve breaking these rules, which will in turn put your job at risk. Sorry, Al. Furthermore, there is always the problem of jurisdiction. No doubt, whatever problem is going to pop up in your movie/TV series/book is going to require some outside assistance. This will usually come in the form of an expert, usually in the form of the FBI, and they will almost universally be incompetent and won't be able to take care of the problem as well as you could have if it were left in your hands. On the plus side, once their incompetence shows through and they inevitably bite the big one, you can swoop back in to save the day. Of course, there won't be any parades in your honor, but you'll know you did the right thing. Looks like we're gonna need some more FBI guys. Be thankful this is the case, however. If the FBI prove to be far more knowledgeable and competent than you, you run the risk of being a non-main character, and if this proves to be the case, you are almost certainly going to die. If they suddenly show up, just remember to say goodbye to your wife and kids whenever you leave the house, just to be safe. Monsters and maniacs are notorious for killing non-main-character members of local law enforcement just to prove how powerful they really are. While there is a chance that you might survive, it isn't very good. The number of local cops killed throughout the run of The X-Files could fill a decent-sized phone book, and that's not counting fellow coroners, FBI agents and other support personnel. Don't even get me started on 80's horror. Still, it's not all bad. There's always a chance you could end up the main character, and the hero, with a loving wife and kids and nothing bad will ever happen to you. It could happen, right? Maybe I should quit while I'm ahead. So, do you think you could make it as local law enforcement in a piece of horror/scifi/action/80's fiction? What is your favorite worst fictional job? Sound off in the comments!
And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back! Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor -- Matt Carter (We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!) If you’ve been anywhere near either of our blogs within the past month and a half or so, you’re aware that Halloween is what we, Matt Carter and F.J.R. Titchenell, look forward to all year. We were engaged and married in consecutive Octobers, we’re year-round horror geeks, and during this season brimming with opportunities to share our macabre passion, we pull out all the stops to celebrate. But Halloween aficionados though we are, there’s always something left to surprise us. Together, we’ve compiled a list of twenty things we learned this Halloween, for your reference and enjoyment. Bonus tip: Don’t turn your head to the side for a zombie photo booth, it can’t read your face. 1. Do your research! Always check reviews for events to see if they're worth attending or fit your personal style. If an event is new, proceed with caution and consider attending *after* opening weekend, lest you attend the opening weekend for an event that's... less than great. (Having attended the disastrous opening weekend of The Purge: Fear the Night, this is not a lesson we will soon forget.) 2. Stretch! Some of these Halloween events are a lot more physically demanding than you'd think. Delusion: Masque of Mortality and the Queen Mary's Dark Harbor events had us sore for days afterwards after what we went through. Totally worth it, though. 3. If you're going to pay for a VIP experience, for the love of god don't lose your VIP guide! We went a little all out for Fi's birthday this year and did the VIP experience at Universal Studios’ Halloween Horror Nights. Part of it involves a guided backlot tour, before being led into a couple of mazes. Well, half of our group apparently missed our guide and abandoned us, which meant by the end of the night our tour group had a mortality rate somewhere along the lines of an early Friday the 13th film. 4. Why let the scare actors have all the fun? One of my proudest moments this season happened at Halloween Horror Nights. Fi was off getting a drink in the VIP lounge, leaving me standing by a window. I saw the scare zone outside full of clowns chasing people down, including one twenty-something blonde girl who was cowering right by my window. Sensing an opportunity, I put my face right up against the glass and tried to look empty. She looked up, she saw me, she screamed. Life is good. 5. Front of the Line Passes are (almost) always worth the investment. The bigger events get packed, leading to lines in excess of two or three hours for some mazes. If you want to see everything, the only way you can do this is by getting front of the line upgrades. At Halloween Horror Nights and Dark Harbor this was worth the investment, however at Knott’s Scary Farm, where Front of the Line effectively meant doubling your ticket price, we decided to take our chances. Considering that this got us on 7 out of the 10 mazes (one of which we went through twice, because it was really awesome) and the train ride, I think it was a gamble worth taking. (Also, avoid the train ride on Halloween at Knott's. Boring.) Yeah, these events can get *insanely* packed. 6. For the most entertaining experience, try to position yourself around a group of teenage girls. They scream loud and up the fun. Bonus points if you can do this without looking like a creep! We sat near a group of teenage girls with hair-trigger scream responses during the Los Angeles Haunted Hayride, and came off better for it I think. I mean, our ears bled for a few days and my shins were bruised all to hell when one of them kept instinctively kicking me, but it was worth it. 7. As a female attendee, if a Halloween haunt isn’t scary enough, you can go for bonus points by burying your face in a guy’s jacket. This is the universal signal for every monster in range to pay you special attention. Better yet, if possible (as it is at the Haunted Hayride), lie back into his lap. Done right, this serves the double purpose of marking you as a target and heightening the sense of physical vulnerability. What passes for a cheap startle when you’re upright or curled into a ball can be downright terrifying when you’re off balance with your neck and other soft bits facing up. It’s a silly biological response, but it works. 8. Don't discount local haunts! Local haunted houses may not have the budget or skill of professional haunts, but can still have their charms, and can have surprising quality. South Pasadena's Theatre of Terror event this year looked cheap and cheesy on paper, but in practice was comparable with anything we experienced at Knott's Scary Farm. 9. Startle responses are surprisingly easy to reprogram. While we were unable to restrain all expletives when the scares were good, even when sincerely trying, a combination of dares, jokes, creative friends, and the presence of small children had us blurting out everything from “Hello sailor!” to “Go, Diego, Go!” in a few moments of terror. 10. The insides of abandoned, reportedly haunted ships can get really dark! At the Queen Mary's Dark Harbor Halloween event, three of the six mazes take place within the bowels of the ship itself. Two of them, Hellfire and Submerged, have long stretches that take place in near pitch-darkness. While most on-land mazes you'll find have some ambient light sneaking in, here you could not see your hand in front of your face much of the time. The monsters seemed to quite enjoy this, as in one dark corridor, one snuck up to within six inches of my face and screamed at the top of his lungs. I fell back, on my ass, and since Fiona was holding my hand hard, she went down with me. 11. Fear of limited visibility need not involve darkness. One of the five mini-mazes that made up the “freak show” at the Queen Mary’s Dark Harbor had nothing in it but lights and fog too thick to see your hand in front of your face. It was one of the more memorable moments of a wonderful and terrifying night. 12. Mechanical bulls (and mechanical monsters alike, as the one at Dark Harbor was called) spin really, really fast. This elicited a different kind of scream from the rest of the event. 13. When falling off a mechanical monster try falling off to the side. Falling off to the front can end badly. Almost one week later, my back is still killing me. I could tell you this ended well, but I'd be lying. 14. Impressive things are possible when adrenaline, alcohol, and good old competitive stubbornness all gang up against the pain response and other self-preservation mechanisms. The duration of the subsequent soreness correlates directly with the impressiveness of the thing. Yes, this relates again to our performances on the mechanical monster. While Matt took the challenge sober, the combination of the other two factors was still enough to require muscle healing for several days. I did not know this guy was behind me. I soon found out. 15. It’s simply not practical to find official non-clubbing Halloween events that welcome both costumes and childless adults, let alone costumes on childless adults. Okay, we knew this one already, but it took a while to come to terms with. Thankfully, the fortunate timing of Comikaze Expo here in LA does welcome this very necessary combination and saves us the trouble of stealing other people’s children to trick-or-treat with. 16. White tights are also surprisingly difficult to find. You’d think they’d be in every clothing and shoe store, if only for ballerinas, but you’d be wrong. I had to get them at a costume store to feel secure in my Harley Quinn mini-dress. (Before anyone conjures any unseemly images, this is a Fi tip). 17. Pumpkins should not be left in the trunk of a car longer than necessary. No, we don’t have a picture of the moldy explosion that taught us this lesson. Just don’t do it. 18. It’s just about impossible to find carveable white pumpkins. While we’ve seen lots of pictures of round white pumpkins, the white pumpkins sold in the stores near us were all of a squat, flat variety so dense they require a hatchet to open. Literally, we used an actual hatchet. There. Much better. 19. Once open, these white pumpkins look, smell, and taste curiously like cantaloupes. 20. Be fearless. You get a better experience from these events the more you throw yourself into one. If they ask for volunteers, volunteer away! If you see something scary, scream your head off! The monsters will appreciate your enthusiasm and your delicious, delicious screams. Of course, there is such a thing as being too enthusiastic. Please do not hurt the monsters. They work very hard, and do not care for the abuse, and you don't want to take the chance that this is the one time that a guy actually dressed like a deranged lunatic will snap and decide to remove your skin with a cheese grater. Anyone else do anything fun and unique this Halloween? Have your own tips to share? Sound off in the comments!
And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back! Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor -- Matt Carter (We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!) Hello boys and girls, it's Back to School time, and as you've seen on this blog, I've dedicated this month to celebrating five of the worst schools that fiction has to offer. So far we've explored schools with a body count (# 5), some schools that sound great on paper but are actually quite terrifying once you peel back their layers (# 4 & # 3) and a school where anarchy reigns supreme (# 2). Sure, they're all pretty bad schools and they've all got some pretty severe problems, but if you were to put them all together in a blender to get one psychotic behemoth of a terrible school, you still wouldn't get anywhere close to the problems that our # 1 school has to offer. Indeed, the problems this school has inspired me to write this list, and I cannot begin to tell you how much I've been waiting to do this entry. So, boys and girls, are you ready to gaze upon the madness that is... THE SCHOOL: Springfield Elementary School THE PROS: I've really got nothing here. Sorry. THE CONS: There are so many things wrong with Springfield Elementary School that we're going to do this article a bit differently than most. Instead of a well-reasoned and attempting to flow essay, I'm just going to give some bulletpoints regarding some of the greater problems/atrocities common within this terrible, terrible school. Since I haven't seen any new episodes of the show in nearly 10 years, this will skew heavily toward older episodes, though some newer ones will pop up from time to time. And yes, I am aware that much like the rest of The Simpsons, Springfield Elementary is a broad parody of a singular topic, in this case the poor state of public schools. For the sake of this article, I'm going to say I don't care about that in particular and highlight some of the many, many awesomely bad things about this school. Be warned, this might take a while. Their frequent use of this painful and ineffective punishment, astonishingly, does not make this list. THE SCHOOL - The school building itself is stated to have been the worst school in Missouri, transplanted brick by brick to Springfield. It's walls are full of asbestos, it has lead pipes, and like most of Springfield a hearty layer of background radiation should be expected. Budget issues have ensured that pretty much every building is in a constant state of disrepair that has amazingly yet to kill a single student (that we know of). or a short while the school hosted an oil well, a development that has since been forgotten after the well was tapped out by Mr. Burns, but the presence of noxious oil fumes can also be reasonably be assumed. Not that the school lacks modern innovations. The school itself is rigged with a number of hidden security cameras and "Independent Thought Alarm" buttons for teachers to press when students appear to think too much for themselves. These are perhaps the least worst problems that Springfield Elementary has hosted. Also, though I do not recall whether or not it was stated, it seems entirely probable that Springfield Elementary is located on top of an Indian Burial Ground. Because why wouldn't it be? THE TEACHERS -When it comes to the teachers of Springfield Elementary School, apathy is the name of the game. Second grade teacher Miss Hoover regularly lets the students know how little she cares about their education, is a professed hypochondriac who has brought her problems into class on a regular basis, and has repeatedly berated one of her students, Ralph Wiggum, for his low intelligence. "The children are right to laugh at you, Ralph." - Actual quote Fourth grade teacher Edna Krabappel has taken this apathy to even greater extremes, especially in relation to Bart Simpson. On at least two occasions (once when he had appendicitis and passed out on the floor, another time when he was being attacked by an escaped timber wolf in the hallway) she has nearly let Bart die out of a combination of not giving a damn and the school charter not holding any teacher responsible if Bart dies under their watch. Also, in following this school charter, she has let Milhouse and a few other students get eaten by Lumpy, the school snake. Although I gotta admit, Lumpy is an awesome name for a snake. - In one of the show's more memorable early season storylines, the teachers of Springfield Elementary go on strike. Instead of hiring qualified substitute teachers, the townspeople follow the school charter, which indicates that if teachers go on strike they will be replaced by super-intelligent cyborgs, or if cyborgs haven't been invented yet, random people from town. This "genius" plan includes local fogey Jasper teaching second grade (where he threatened to paddle every student, sent multiple kids to the nurse's office after they inhaled his ointment fumes and sending everyone home early after getting his beard stuck in a pencil sharpener), mad scientist Professor Frink stealing toys from kindergarteners, and local bartender, depressed lunatic and registered sex offender Moe teaching a fourth grade class. This is not a man you want around children, is what I'm saying. THE STAFF This picture isn't to prove a point about Groundskeeper Willie, I just included it because it makes me laugh. - Groundskeeper Willie seems fairly competent as groundskeepers go, which is more than most of this school can hope for. He knows how to clean, and he seems to like his job. That being said, he is frequently drunk on the job and surly and angry around students. He freely admits that he has a habit of videotaping couples making love in the backseats of cars (under the excuse that every Scotsman does it), and apparently went unpunished after attempting to murder Bart Simpson in an abandoned junkyard he was living in. True, Bart may have deserved some punishment for destroying Willie's hut, but murder's a little extreme (and Springfield Elementary allowing an attempted murderer to work the school is damn scary when you think about it.) He's also a pretty shoddy French teacher. - The school lunchlady, and occasional nurse (since it allows her to get two paychecks), Doris, is surly, rude and constantly chainsmoking, even when preparing children's food. She's dismissive of kids with special requests (giving Lisa a hot dog bun once when asked if they had any vegetarian options), believes employees who complain about rats in the kitchen should be replaced, and is known for preparing rather unsavory cuts of meat in unbelievably unsanitary conditions. "More testicles means more iron!" Her time as school nurse is no more distinguished, as her solution to most problems involves giving kids child-friendly tabs of Prozac. Including Manic-Depressive Mouse and The Bluebird of Unhappiness. - School bus driver Otto Mann is, for lack of a better word, a menace. Effectively a homeless drifter (he is regularly seen squatting in people's homes and even the school bus), Otto spends most of his time bombed out on a number of mind altering substances, including but not limited to alcohol, marijuana, LSD and he has even been implied to dabble in heroin. Much of his career as school bus driver has been spent without a license, and he proudly boasts of a career with "Fifteen accidents and not a single fatality!" This would be unremarkable if these accidents were of a fender bender variety, but the accidents we've seen on the show include flipping the bus over in the middle of town square, accidentally driving into a trash compactor, and driving the bus off a bridge after getting grapefruit juice in his eye. For all of these transgressions, he has only been fired once, and was immediately rehired after getting a driver's license. This sort of thing cannot keep happening! THE STUDENTS "Me fail English? That's unpossible!" - The lack of care the teachers have is reflected in their students. Among the greatest examples of this school's failings is Ralph Wiggum. Clearly a troubled, dare I even say "special" young man with a penchant for giving into imagination and starting fires, teachers and administrators have not noticed his problems and seem to refuse to do anything about them. Instead of putting him in a special class capable of better teaching him, they allow him to fall behind in a standard second grade class, where he is regularly humiliated by students and teachers alike for his inability to use scissors, his regular habit of eating glue, and for the fact that he doesn't know what battles or dioramas are. - Throughout the course of the series, Bart's behavior has gone more from bad boy to amused prankster. This is probably for the best, because if Bart's behavior had continued on the path it had during early seasons, he very likely would be wearing other kids skins by now. In the early days of the show, he performed acts of violence and vandalism that included replacing Mrs. Krabappel's birth control pills with Tic Tacs (I really don't want to know how she found this out), burning his name into a school lawn in fifty foot letters and stealing a tractor and nearly killing the school's superintendent. Admittedly, this last part is no great loss, but still! He has only ever been expelled a handful of times throughout the 25 years of the series, when he has done so many terrible things that he should arguably never be allowed near a civilized school again. This is the laughter of an escaped lunatic. Case in point? The most shameful thing Bart has ever done (to my recollection) was used as an in passing joke. During a parent teacher conference, Mrs. Krabappel calls another student in and asks him to point on a doll where Bart put the fireworks. We don't see where the kid points, but Marge's reaction gives a fair idea. Look at this kid. Does he look like he liked where Bart put the fireworks? This is a kid scarred for life. Did this act of mutilation earn Bart a well-deserved trip to juvenile hall? Nope. Probably just an hour or two after school writing "I WILL NOT BURN MY CLASSMATES GENITALS" over and over. Pictured: The opposite of an adequate punishment. - Like any school, Springfield Elementary has a bullying problem. It is the nature of these bullies that is truly troubling. When talking about Springfield's bullies, you predominantly have to look at Nelson Muntz and the gang of Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney. As is the norm at this school, Nelson's serious abandonment issues and violent mood swings have not once had him sent to a counselor's office, even after beating Milhouse so savagely that his ears were gushing blood. Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney are another issue entirely. They appear quite old to be in an elementary school, easily towering over all of their classmates, and multiple references have been made to Kearney being a full-fledged adult (i.e. people referencing him remembering the bicentennial, attending the same elementary class as Otto, having a son who sleeps in his sock drawer...). Seriously... where are the counselors and social workers and why are these people allowed near small children? THE BUDGET -One of the consistently greatest problems Springfield Elementary has had is budget issues. More specifically, they have no budget. This has not deterred them from trying to operate the school in some rather creative ways. Instead of having to pay for a tetherball, they simply tied a cinder block to a rope and hoped the students wouldn’t notice. Principal Skinner has been seen lurking around private schools, occasionally breaking in and stealing school supplies. The school bus has a pretty hefty carbon monoxide leak and requires students to hold their jackets outside the windows to slow down. Permission slips are used as a shield when students are lost, left behind or killed during unauthorized field trips. The only books they can afford were those banned by other schools. And let’s not forget the cuisine! Many a school lunch is made from Grade F Meat (“Mostly Circus Animal, Some Filler”) and served with Malk, since milk is too expensive. When the basic elements of food are difficult to scavenge, Lunchlady Doris will get creative, creating school lunches out of whatever she can fit in a meat grinder. "There's very little meat in these gym mats!" Sure, there have been fundraising efforts, but these mostly involved mob involvement or briefly transforming the school into a dual-purpose elementary school/maximum security prison. Because nothing says learning like sharing a classroom with caged rapists and murderers! THE ADMINISTRATION -When it comes down to it, this school’s greatest problems are bureaucratic and administrative in nature. Case in point: Superintendent Chalmers. Instead of caring about the students, he is more interested in how bad this particular school (“Class after class of ugly, ugly students.”) and Principal Skinner make him look. He looks at the school as an embarrassment and is a stickler for the bottom line (once threatening to remove one of the Three R’s to save a few bucks, though he never said which one). And on more than a few occasions he has let Springfield Elementary become an anarchical student-run warzone in the belief that all schools would eventually be like this sooner or later, so why not enjoy it now? Then again, Martin does look pretty happy in the cage the other students forced him into. -In the end, though, most of the school’s problems can be traced to the man in charge, Principal Seymour Skinner. There is no doubting that the man is a dedicated educator, however, his psychiatric profile is not particularly conducive to running an elementary school. An ex-Army officer (yes, I’m ignoring the episode The Principal and the Pauper, I don’t think I’ll be criticized for this), his focus on order has led to dangerously obsessive behaviors, including more than a few near-dictatorial crackdowns on the student population that soon led to popular uprisings and riots. Admittedly, it doesn’t take much to do this in Springfield. His obsessive nature is all the more creepy when you look at his relationship with Bart Simpson. The two have formed something of a Coyote and Roadrunner sort of relationship, with Skinner always trying to outsmart Bart and Bart remaining two steps ahead. This has included, but is not limited to, Skinner stalking Bart when he thinks he's cutting school, putting a student on his payroll in Bart's gang as a mole and setting up stings to get Bart in trouble so he'll commit detention-worthy crimes. While this behavior is moderately creepy on its own, the fact that he doesn’t seem to do it for any other students is kind of scary. Though, to be fair, he once locked the school’s remaining bullies in a civil defense shelter for close to a month so they wouldn’t make him look bad during a school inspection. The rest of his psychological profile isn’t any more heartening. He is held particularly close by a domineering, near-insane mother (yes, Norman Bates comparisons are made frequently), and though he is a decorated Vietnam War hero, he frequently flashes back at inappropriate times, making him a danger to himself and all the children around him. I think this next clip says it all really. IN CONCLUSION FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STAY THE **** OUT OF SPRINGFIELD!!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!! So what say you, dear readers? Would you dare enter Springfield Elementary School’s halls? Who’s your favorite denizen of this wretched locale? Do you, like me, think this article may have gone on a little too long? Are there any schools you think I might have missed on this list? Sound off in the comments!
And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back! Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor -- Matt Carter (We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!) The Room is awful. Absolutely terrible. Probably one of the worst movies ever made. It's incompetently made, incompetently put together, with some of the worst acting, writing, editing, music, directing and probably even set design in recent memory. It should be reprehensible, but instead it is somehow one of the most hilarious movies I've ever seen, and may very well be a contender for the movie I've seen more times than any other. I guess this requires some explanation. A friend of mine, Mario Lanza (one of the funniest guys alive, in this humble author's opinion), had been spreading the word about The Room for some time before I truly knew its greatness. No, he's not this Mario. I was told time and again that it was hilarious and life-changingly bad, and being a person who rarely listens to such suggestions, I more or less just let it roll off my shoulders and continued following whatever empty pursuits I had going on at the time. Fast-forward a ways to Fall of 2011, Fiona and I get married. A good time was had by all, and in attendance was Mario. He's always had a fairly unique sense of humor, so of the three presents he gave us (wrapped in hot pink paper and SpongeBob Squarepants stickers), one of them was a book I had loaned him a few months prior, one was a copy of A Fish Called Wanda (one of the greatest movies ever), and the other was a copy of The Room. Once the honeymoon was over and we started going through our gifts properly, on a whim, we popped in The Room. And our lives were changed. Watching this movie for the first time is like a surreal drug trip of hilarity. People don't talk or act as they should. Plotlines are introduced to be immediately forgotten moments later, which is impressive because some of them do seem quite important. Half of the movie is made of stock footage establishing shots, another quarter from poorly-choreographed softcore sex scenes. All of this is led by director/writer/lead actor Tommy Wiseau, who is clearly quite mad and desperate to convince everyone that he is an average American Joe, when he looks, sounds and acts like he only recently came to Earth after intercepting an intergalactic transmission of one of Ed Wood's movies and thinking, "Hey, I think I can do this movie-making thing too! That's the idea!" How hard can it being? He advertises the movie as a riveting black comedy, when in reality it's clear he was trying to film a melodrama, probably trashing an ex-girlfriend and trying to make him look as awesome as possible (SPOILER ALERT: He fails). It is inept in every way possible, and yet this ineptness has formed a great cult following, full of parodies and midnight showings (where it is customary to throw verbal abuse, and plastic spoons, at the screen) that have gained a near Rocky Horror style following. My wife and I have actually attended a midnight showing of this film with Tommy Wiseau himself in attendance, and let me say that it is truly an experience of a lifetime (if this article gets a good response, I'll probably post some of my long, rambling notes on this experience). I have made it my goal in life to share with everyone I know the greatness of this movie, so, all terrible rambling aside, let me share with you, dear readers, 10 of my favorite things about The Room. Once this has been seen, it can't be unseen. 1. The Constant Establishing Shots Close to 30% of the movie is made up of shots like this. I am not exaggerating. The movie was filmed in Los Angeles on a soundstage, but was supposed to take place in San Francisco. How to fix this? Why, with constant establishing shots forcing the viewer to see that yes, this is supposed to take place in San Francisco! And some terrible rooftop green screen work showing the San Francisco skyline (with absolutely no wind, of course). And why not show Johnny (our lead vampire Tommy Wiseau) doing such traditionally San Francisco things as riding the cable cars! Regular non-tourists do that, do they not? 2. Claudette's Admission Johnny's future-wife (never fiancée) Lisa's mom, Claudette comes over periodically to try to meddle with her daughter's life. On one random visit, we get this gem of a conversation. CLAUDETTE: I got the test results back - I definitely have breast cancer. LISA: Don't worry about it, mom. They're curing people all the time. CLAUDETTE: Oh, I know. This plotline is never mentioned again. Fiona and I like to believe that this is due to Claudette being a pathological liar and people have learned to ignore her. 3. The 90's Sex Scene Music There are four frighteningly long sex scenes in the room, two between Johnny and Lisa, two between Lisa and Johnny's best friend, Mark. They're all clumsily put together, mostly since the actor for Mark, Greg Sestero, was nervous and refused to remove his pants, and the actress for Lisa, Juliette Danielle looks absolutely terrified to be around a naked Tommy Wiseau (so terrified that most of the footage from their second sex scene was recycled from the first). These are baffling enough on their own, but the fact that each of them is the exact length of a perfectly generic, mid-90's sounding smooth jazz song (this movie was filmed and released in the early 2000's, making this weirdly anachronistic), has always led me to believe that Tommy Wiseau didn't know how to edit music, or had some deal with the artists, where the music had to be played in full or else. This picture doesn't come from one of the film's main sex scenes, nor does it contain any characters of consequence or music, but holy hell is it one of the most hilariously awkward faces to be put on screen in a love scene. I could not not include it. 4. The Thing on Lisa's Neck Now as a general rule, I try not to make fun of people for any physical traits as that is not cool, and is usually unrelated to the quality of the movie itself. I also try not to make fun of Juliette Danielle because she clearly had a really hard time with this movie, and from what I've been able to gather has really made the best of a bad situation after having been forced through this movie. All that being said... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING ON THE SIDE OF HER NECK?!?!? 5. The Chris-R Subplot Johnny's a really nice guy. How do we know that? Because among his many other great deeds, he has taken in a mentally handicapped boy, Denny, given him a place, put him through college, etc. However, at one point in the movie Denny gets in trouble with local drug dealer Chris-R, and that is when the magic happens. Chris-R confronts Denny on the roof of the apartment complex and threatens to shoot him in the head. Naturally, Johnny and Mark fly to his rescue, beating Chris-R up and saying they will take him to the police. Lisa and Claudette magically appear on the roof to criticize Denny's life choices (it's a deep movie), and not 30 seconds later, Johnny and Mark magically appear back on the roof with no sign of Chris-R. My leading theory? They killed Chris-R offscreen and disposed of his body and vowed to never speak of it again (since this subplot never comes up again in the course of the movie). This in turn leads to the dissolving of their friendship. Like I said, this is a deep movie. 6. The Peter Switcheroo For half of the movie, Johnny and Mark have another friend spending time with them named Peter. He's the awkward-looking guy with the glasses right above. Halfway through film production, the actor for Peter had to leave, and so Tommy Wiseau replaced him with another actor. The guy in the photo below. This replacement is seamless, if you ask me. (Also, yes, I am aware that he technically plays a different character, "Steven", but the replacement is still obvious and awkward and since his new name is unmentioned it's still really weird.) 7. Tossing the Old Pigskin Around In a constant bid to impress upon us how regular and American Johnny and his friends are, they are constantly playing catch. However, in a bid to keep all the characters in frame, they're usually playing catch from about five feet away from each other. And they still manage to fall out of frame most of the time. Brilliant filmmaking. 8. Mark Johnny's best friend, Mark (we know they're best friends because this fact is mentioned close to 20 times throughout the movie), is played by producer Greg Sestero (seemingly against his will much of the time), and though his role is as poorly done as anything else in the movie, I gotta give him a lot of credit for being a good sport. His character is the most wildly all over the place, seemingly an idiot one moment and a devious mastermind the next, boiling with rage and sadness and constantly commenting on how "people are very strange these days" and asking things like "Do you think girls like to cheat just like guys do?", and yet he brings an odd charm to the character that makes him very hard for me to hate. Having met both Tommy Wiseau and Sestero at the midnight showing we attended, I was impressed by how genuinely nice Sestero was, and how apologetic for Wiseau he seemed. Later this year he's putting out a book on the insane making-of story of this movie, and I cannot wait to get a copy of it. 9. The Stairway to Nowhere In a movie full of baffling, weird goofs, this one is my personal favorite. As stated earlier, the rooftop of the apartment building this magical film takes place in was actually a set on a soundstage with a green screen providing the skyline. This provides a rather interesting goof, as the orientation of this stairway, which clearly goes down to the left, would actually end just outside the building, presumably sending characters to their death every time they try to go downstairs. In the universe of The Room, this makes perfect sense, and is probably expected. 10. The Tommy Wiseau Experience His accent is mysterious, his dialogue is almost all dubbed, and he looks like he's probably a vampire. It's impossible to accurately encapsulate the greatness of The Tommy Wiseau Experience in a blog, so instead I'll just treat you to some of my favorite quotes of his throughout the movie. # (In casual conversation in a coffee shop, Mark asks Johnny about a new client of his) JOHNNY: I cannot tell you, it's confidential. MARK: Aw, come on, why not? JOHNNY: No, I can't. Anyway, how is your sex life? # (Johnny goes to the rooftop to think after Lisa falsely accuses him of hitting her, only to find Mark there.) JOHNNY: I did not hit her, it's not true! It's bullshit! I did not hit her! I did naaaaaaaaaaaaaht! Oh, hai Mark! # (Johnny and Mark are talking about women.) MARK: Yeah, man, you'll never know. People are very strange these days. I used to know a girl; she had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it... beat her up so bad she ended up at a hospital on Guerrero Street. JOHNNY (laughing hysterically): What a story, Mark! # (Johnny is talking to Peter.) JOHNNY: I have a serious problem with Lisa. Um, I don't think she's faithful to me. In fact, I know she isn't. # (Johnny arguing with Lisa.) JOHNNY: YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, LISA! # (Johnny overhears Claudette and Lisa talking about him.) JOHNNY: How can they say this about me? I don't believe it. I show them. I will record everything. # And for my personal favorite quote... (At Johnny's birthday party.) JOHNNY: Thank you, honey, this is a beautiful party! You invited all my friends. Good thinking! # "Hai doggie!" Like I said, this movie is awful, but it is amazing in its awfulness. If you think you're ready for an experience of complete madness and insanity like this, I cannot recommend The Room highly enough.
Still, consider yourself warned. If you now need a palette cleanse after this madness, please check out my 10 Random Things I Love About Jurassic Park and 10 Random Things I Love About Back to the Future lists. These are much better movies. And if you've seen The Room, please sound off in the comments with your favorite moments & quotes! I know I only just scratched the surface with mine! And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back! Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor How to Plan the Perfect Summer Road Trip (Using Horror Movies), Part 3: Road Trip Etiquette7/27/2013 Hello boys and girls, I hope you have enough blood left over to finish reading the final part of our series of how to run an awesome summer road trip with the help of horror movies. If you haven’t read the first two parts, it’s probably because you were one of the first to fall at the hands of some blade-wielding maniac. Like this guy. If, however, you’re just late to the party, please be sure to check out Part 1 and Part 2 before going any further. Seriously, your life may depend on it. Go back and read those parts and then we’ll continue. All right, you’ve read them, right? If you haven’t, I’ll know and I’ll just turn this car around and head back home without stopping for ice cream. OK, that’s better. Now, by this point you and your assorted, multiethnic collection of associates that would look good in a program broadcast on The CW have taken your shoddy car overstuffed with beer and condoms to an empty cabin in an isolated section of the woods. Now what do you do? Well, the obvious answer is “party”, and this covers most bases when considering a road trip. However, occasionally you might have to head into a populated area for supplies and more beer, and then you’ll have to deal with meeting new people. What will you do then? This is not the right answer to that question. Yes, this final chapter of our how to guide covers the ever-important guide of Road Trip Etiquette! I don’t like writing about it any more than you like reading about it, but we’ll get through it together, and then you can get back to beer and pre-marital intercourse. Hooray! DEALING WITH LOCALS Most of the places that apply to the F.I.L.C.H. System of determining optimal road trip destinations will be surrounded by a group of people who, for lack of a more politically correct term, can be dubbed backwoods hicks. Normally a kind, docile people, if you show them some basic common courtesy they may very well share their love of moonshine and firearms with you. If you are nice enough, they may even invite you in for dinner! Looks delicious! However, if you feel the need to act unkind or the urge to show your brilliant college student superiority to them, feel free to act on these instincts. You have earned your degree and your superior understanding of the English language, this certainly makes you morally superior to them! This will certainly help you win any arguments you may have! Well, most arguments. Occasionally (but more often than you’d think) you might run across curious strangers in the woods who claim to have an understanding of mystic arts and will offer their services to you. They may be gypsies, or they may practice Voodoo or Hoodoo or one of many other old mystic arts. Feel free to disbelieve them and deride their beliefs at the top of your lungs. There’s no way that curse they just put on you could be real. This is not the face of someone who could put a real curse you. This is the face of your grandmother after one too many martinis. SOUVENIRS What road trip would be complete without picking up a few souvenirs to immortalize the memories? Lots of small towns near F.I.L.C.H. appropriate areas have small curio shops that hide a lot of hidden gems! I personally recommend looking for old, leather-bound diaries that have curious drawings and occasional passages written in Latin (having something with Latin in it will really impress houseguests!), or quaint old dolls and ventriloquist dummies whose eyes curiously follow you as you walk around a room, or even old, slowly playing music boxes! Those will always impress the girls back at the cabin! These are pretty neat and rare! Think you could solve it? LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT Let’s face it, you’re probably going to run into a crisis on your trip where you might have to deal with local law enforcement. Maybe someone you brought along got caught shoplifting, or drunk driving, or maybe you’re being chased by an escaped lunatic who wants to kill you and wear your skin because he thinks you look like his sister who died in the tragic kiln explosion that horribly disfigured him. This is surprisingly common. If you’re stuck in a crisis situation, your first instinct may be to call the police. First and foremost, you should know that any place where the F.I.L.C.H. system applies won’t have cell phone reception, and any land lines that might exist have already been cut. Secondly, this would require dealing with local law enforcement, which is always a big road trip no no. Nothing ruins a weekend of debauchery and depravity faster than inviting a narrow-minded buzzkill with a badge to your party. Because of this, we recommend taking care of any crises yourself. After all, there’s nothing a few jocks armed with screwdrivers can’t fix, right? Of course, if you’re in one of those former situations where the police have caught you for some misdemeanor, we recommend lying to them. Odds are if they’re small town cops, they probably are not exceptionally bright and you can talk your way out of this trouble with ease. There is no way this will affect your chances of receiving their help should you ever need it somewhere down the line. SO YOU'VE ACCIDENTALLY KILLED A LOCAL Shit. It’s bound to happen in every road trip: you’re driving down the road blindfolded and with a blood alcohol content that would put Keith Richards into a week-long coma on a dare from your friends when you accidentally run someone down, splattering them all over the road. A lot like this. Fear not, your life may not be over yet! While swearing and screaming are good first instincts to follow, an even better one would be surveying the area. Look around, see if there are any witnesses who aren’t a part of your trip. If there are many, then yes, your lives are over, get used to a jail sentence. If there are one or two, get the loudest and angriest member of your group who “can’t go to prison again!” to kill them, though by now he probably already has. If there are no witnesses, you’re one cover-up away from continuing on the vacation of a lifetime! Find a nice section of the forest, or a deep dark part of the lake, and dispose of the bodies however you can (also, make sure they’re actually dead first, this is a problem more often than you’d think). Swear all your associates to secrecy, and continue on with your trip as planned! Remember, this is your trip, never let anything get in the way of your fun! The odds of a vengeful family member coming after you or summoning an ancient demon to kill you are pretty slim, I’m told. IN CONCLUSION Thank you for taking the time to read our valuable how to guide. We hope this has been informative and will help provide you with the best, most affordable, and most casual nudity and alcohol filled trip possible. If you happen to make it back to civilization after following this guide (doubtful though it may be), please be sure to tell everyone where you got all these awesome tips! These guys will be thankful you’re sending new friends for them to meet. So, has this How-To guide helped improve your summer vacation ideas? Please feel free to comment or leave your successful road trip testimonials in the comments below!
And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back! Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor Superheroes get off pretty easy when it comes to oversight, very few have to answer to any government or higher organization, so I thought it might be fun to play with the idea of the Justice League having to deal with the same kind of bs bureaucracy the rest of us have to in major companies. And so, I present to you some notes stolen from the Justice League's Human Resources Department. (Author's Note: This article was partially inspired by a humor piece, "Hawkman's Performance Evaluation" written by my friend, Mario Lanza, back in the day for the SNLYou humor website.) The Flash You have had an all around excellent performance this term with only two things of note: First, you have a track record of dying and coming back to life and/or being replaced that's almost longer than anyone else on the team. While everyone will almost certainly die and come back to life sooner or later, it gets confusing to people and we'd like to advise that when you've been replaced by another protégé with identical powers, find some way of making sure the two of you are differentiated. Let people know there's a "new and improved" Flash, perhaps? Also, outside pressure has demanded that you undergo regular public drug tests. We all know your powers stem from the Speed Force, but there are plenty of naysayers out there who want proof that you're not using any performance-enhancing substances. Green Lantern We are aware that there are multiple Green Lanterns stationed on Earth at any given time, and we would like to thank the Corps for their dedication to our planet. That being said, we have some general notes that apply to all of you. While we appreciate having a group of intergalactic peacekeepers working on our planet, we think your greater dedication to the sector than to the planet Earth in particular has led you all toward not applying yourselves particularly well. Your rings allow you to create constructs that are limited only by your imagination, so why do you only usually create giant fists or walls? Consider creating giant green dinosaurs, or chainsaws, or Lovecraftian horrors the scale of which will drive most common criminals mad? A little creativity will go a long way toward building your respect on this planet, especially when your widely known main weakness is a primary color. Criminals won't take the time to make undefeatable yellow costumes if they think you're going to sic Godzilla on them if they step out of line. Green Arrow We're not going to go into the obvious issue of your choice of superhero theme; kids really enjoy the Robin Hood outfit and bows and arrows are really hip these days (given the success of The Hunger Games franchise, Brave and similar works), so despite your ineffectiveness against almost every single supervillain in our universe, we have to give you points for foresight on theming yourself to what will no doubt be a long and enduring trend. Also, we're not here about the beard, even though it very clearly gives away your secret identity. Thankfully the people in your home town are not particularly bright. No, our only criticism for you today is about your ward, Speedy. Everybody has their problems, but your sidekick's public addiction to heroin, and the fact that you were completely unaware of it, has some questioning your abilities as Star City's all-seeing protector. It has them questioning what other problems you might have missed if this one snuck by under your nose. Make sure Speedy gets the help he needs, and make sure you keep a better eye on him in the future, lest he prove an even greater embarrassment to you, and the team. Wonder Woman As a modern workplace, we at the Justice League do not like to impose a dress code upon any of our employees. However, we would like to advise some... consideration in your costume choices. We understand that your bustier and hot pants combination were gifted to you by the Greek gods, but we're also sure that they did not have modern paparazzi in mind when considering this costume. One bad step in a fight with Cheetah or Giganta and you'll be facing a wardrobe malfunction that will be on all the tabloids covers, if not grievous injury to all of that exposed skin. You're empowered, you're strong, and the public knows this! You don't need to show a dangerous amount of skin to prove this to them. Maybe consider some of that Amazonian body armor? It sticks with your theme and leaves you less open to injury. And please consider ditching the high heels? Amazonian reflexes or no, they're a serious ankle or knee injury waiting to happen and very difficult to run in. Black Canary, Zatanna, the same advice goes for you. Martian Manhunter While our suggestions to the women regarding their wardrobe choices were just that, suggestions, J'onn, we must demand a change in your suit. Admittedly our knowledge of Martian customs are limited, but the speedo, straps and cape combo is more at home at a fetish ball than on a successful superhero team. Yes, you are making magazine covers, but they are not the covers of magazines you'd want to be on! You're a shapeshifting telepath with near godlike powers, showing off a physique that isn't even yours should really be more of an afterthought. You don't want people in a burning building running away from you because they think you're here for something else (though we also acknowledge that the odds of you running into a burning building anytime soon are fairly slim, so you get a pass there). Also, we've reached an era where your name may be considered inappropriate. Have you considered something along the lines of "Martian Personhunter"? Please talk to our PR people for more suggestions. Hawkgirl & Hawkman This message goes to both of you because the point is the same. In order for the public to properly identify with you and trust you as heroes, they need to have an understanding of who you are. This is difficult enough for the members of the League who have to juggle secret identities, let alone backstories as riddled with contradictions such as yours. We understand this can be difficult when you're juggling reincarnated Egyptian spirits, Nth metal, Hawk gods and Thanagarian politics, but for the sake of simplification, please consider picking one back story to present to the public. This will help them better relate to you and increase your desperately needed marketability. Just being able to fly and swing a heavy weapon does not make you particularly noteworthy on this team. Also, Hawkman, take a look at the same advice given to J'onn about the chest straps. Aquaman Out of everyone on the League, you have the greatest image problems. Let's face it, the public view you as a joke. They say, "Hey, he can swim and talk to fish! Let us mock him!" You are arguably one of the League's strongest members, you can summon and control sea monsters and great white sharks on a whim, you wield the Trident of Neptune and control water, for god's sake, you're the king of roughly 70% of Earth! You need to let the people know this! Stand up and make grandiose, powerful speeches, and don't be afraid to wield the might of Atlantis when helping the League. Every good ruler (and more than a few bad ones) has known that periodically rattling your sabers will get tremendous results. If this is too much, please consider changing your codename and outfit. An orange shirt and green pants and a name that makes you sound like a professional wrestler might have gone over well in the Silver Age, but we're in the 2000's now. Why not consider a name and an outfit more befitting of a king? Batman We have received more complaints about you not playing well with others than any other member of the League. We understand that your background in Gotham has given you a particularly grim worldview, and we sympathize, we really do. But if you want to remain on this team you are going to have to leave that surly attitude behind when you leave the city. Perk up, smile more often, relate personal experiences with your fellow League members that don't involve personal tragedy or taking down psychopaths like The Joker or Zsasz. We understand you have a very large amount of capital at your disposal, why not occasionally get gifts for your fellow League members, or even throw a party (we suggest a Hawaiian theme, the classics never go out of style)? Small, simple acts like these can show appreciation in a team and will let everyone know that you are dedicated to the League and all its members. Additionally, we would like to ask if you'd please refrain from having files featuring intimate information on how to use the weaknesses of every member of the League to defeat them. We understand the necessity to have these things, given the relative ease of taking over a person's mind or the nature of temporary insanity, but these files have fallen into the wrong hands before and will again, and we cannot handle those kinds of personnel shortages. In the future, please keep any and all ideas like this in that brilliant, complex brain of yours. This is not acceptable. Superman The people of Earth are grateful for all you have done for them, but at this point we are seriously considering letting you go from the team. Look, we know you're the strongest being on Earth, but it is not necessary to demonstrate it all the time. You do not need to burst through walls to enter every potential crime scene when there are usually perfectly good doors and windows but a few feet away. This is a sign of a dangerous trend where you just do not seem to care about the collateral damage you cause when fighting supervillains. We understand that, when fighting villains like Mongul or Metallo who have comparable strength to you, some damage will be incurred, but for god's sake, the last time you fought The Prankster, 17 people died and more than $1 billion in damages were incurred, deaths and damages that could have easily been prevented if you, say, took the fight to the Sahara Desert instead of flying through every building you saw to get to your foe. The League cannot continue paying for these damages, nor the ensuing wrongful death lawsuits. And yes, we understand that these damages often occur when you are mind-controlled or under the influence of some form of Kryptonite, but if it is that easy for someone with your level of godlike power to be mind-controlled, you should seriously consider if it's wise to put yourself in a position where you are likely to be mind-controlled. And then we have the Lois Lane situation. Look, we understand that you're usually in love with her, but your relationship over the years has proven tumultuous at best and dangerously abusive at worst. The sheer number of times you have killed Lois over the years is disturbing, and does very little for your public image as a lifesaver. Killing her once we might have been able to excuse, but killing her repeatedly as you have is a sign of a dangerous trend. This cannot keep happening! Seriously, until further notice we are placing you on leave. Think about what you have done, and come up with a solution for how these errors of yours can best be remedied. We eagerly await your response on this matter. So what do you think? Do these heroes need any more notes? I miss any who desperately needed a performance review? Sound off in the comments!
And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back! Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor How to Plan the Perfect Summer Road Trip (Using Horror Movies), Part 2: Choosing a Location7/20/2013 The Grand Canyon. It's overrated. Hello boys and girls and all your surviving parts, welcome back to our continuing guide on having the best summer road trip possible with the help of horror movies. Hopefully by this point you have read Part 1 in our series (and if you haven't, shame on you, check it out here and report back once you have finished), and your shoddy old car is filled to the bursting point with nubile coeds and enough alcohol to paralyze a herd of elephants. It's not as easy as it sounds. Now that you are ready to go on your road trip, it would probably be a good idea to decide on a destination. Conventional wisdom tells you that research, either online or through picking up a travel guide at your local bookstore (should one still exist), but since when has conventional wisdom been fun? Since when has conventional wisdom gotten you laid? Since when has conventional wisdom gotten you hung from the ceiling by a bunch of redneck cannibals? Suck it, conventional wisdom! Let's take a look at choosing a destination the horror movie way! Using The "F.I.L.C.H." System Right now, make a list of every major city or tourist attraction you have ever wanted to visit. Do not take your trip there. Why? Because that is where everybody else is planning on taking their trips. Tourist destinations have crowds, they have traffic, they have overpriced souvenirs, and no matter what you plan to do, by the end of the day you won't get to do it. Besides, after a long day of walking and traffic jams, you'll be too tired to take part in binge drinking and pre-marital sex! The hallmark of any successful road trip. No, if you want to have a memorable, and more importantly fun road trip with the ragtag group of vaguely attractive acquaintances, it's best that you apply The F.I.L.C.H. System to all of your road trip planning needs. "Gee, Mr. Carter, what's F.I.L.C.H. stand for?" Well, I'm glad you asked that, Billy. Though what are you doing here? I keep telling you to stay off my property. Go on, shoo! Anyway, F.I.L.C.H. stands for Forest, Isolation, Lake, Cabin and History, all of which, when applied correctly, will help create memories for a lifetime! Memories! (AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER: For reasons not quite clear to me, almost all ideal summer road trip locations look vaguely like the area surrounding Vancouver, B.C. Science has yet to determine why this is, but I am told Canadians know how to party, so for the purposes of this article I can only assume this to be a good thing.) Forest Too often in this workaday world we forget what it's like to take a breath of fresh air, and until they start marketing a brand of overpriced, country fresh canned air for the ignorant, city-dwelling masses to huff, getting out into the great green American wilderness will have to suffice. As well, a weekend in the country saves valuable money that can be better put toward stocking up your trip with alcohol and various other substances that will better enhance your road trip experience. Now in this economy, that's just good thinking! A lot of people will also tout the values of the forest, mentioning things like "hiking" and "camping" and "wildlife." These people are hippies, and should be ignored. However, occasional wildlife experiences can certainly liven up an otherwise dull weekend! I recommend them only sparingly. Wildlife experiences may vary from location to location. Isolation Now that you've decided to check out the forest, make sure you find an isolated location! Nothing ruins a good trip like having annoying locals, law enforcement or vital emergency personnel crash your party! A good way to tell if you've found a properly isolated location is to scream bloody murder at the top of your lungs. If nobody comes to your rescue, you've found the right place! Lake The easiest way to get your collection of road trip attendees out of their clothes and into their skimpy bathing suits is to have a body of water nearby (or tell them they're auditioning for a reality show). Because of this, I cannot recommend highly enough making sure you pick a destination near a lake. Still water, the perfect breeding ground for mosquitoes, brain-eating parasites and frequent dumping ground for experimental mutagens, is usually your best bet, as it is warmer than anything attached to a river, and as you know, warm water = skinny dipping! Some people are bigger fans of skinny-dipping than others. Cabin Unless you brought an RV or are really big into camping, you're going to need a roof over your head for the duration of your trip. Thankfully every isolated forest you will come across is literally riddled with rustic cabins that you'll be able to better enjoy your vacation in. Consult a travel agent to rent a good one, or to skip the money part of the equation entirely, just settle in the first empty cabin you come across! I'm sure its owners won't mind in the slightest! Of course, you can never guarantee you'll get a cabin that's in mint condition, so there may be some necessary repairs, and the wind sneaking in through the corners may very well sound like low voices telling you to "join them" or to kill all your friends with a hacksaw and a sack full of lemons. This is perfectly normal and best to be ignored. History Now, if you're one of the unfortunate few out there who wants to do more than just teenaged to mid-20-something debauchery on your road trip, the easiest and cheapest method is to travel to some place that has a history you can explore. Thankfully, history is easier to find than you think. Search your forest hard enough and you'll likely find a building or series of buildings that can best be described as "abandoned". While some find that word a little ominous, "abandoned" should translate to you as "a gateway to history!" Feel free to explore these buildings to your heart's content to better absorb the local color! And remember, because they're abandoned, it means it belongs to nobody so it's perfectly acceptable to pick up and take anything you find that you may like. Abandoned hospitals and mental institutions often have cool medical equipment/experiments to play with, abandoned summer camps often have firearms, canoes and rusty cutlery, and do I really need to spell out for you the kind of fun that can be had at abandoned cemeteries/Indian burial grounds? Really, let history stimulate your imagination! Of course, The F.I.L.C.H. System is more a set of guidelines than a hard set of rules that must be followed to have a fun road trip experience. Throw a little imagination into it. The forest not your thing? Why not check out some of America's empty stretches of desert? Or how about checking out an abandoned island? Or why not check out that science lab your old uncle works at that has mysteriously gone silent a few days ago? Honestly, as long as you can keep the beer flowing, the pre-marital sex pre-marital, and your road trip associates in a state of perpetual argument, you'll be fine. Isn't that right, Cropsy? This concludes Part 2 of our ongoing series. Keep an eye out in the near future for Part 3, where we will be discussing Road Trip Etiquette!
So, has this How-To guide helped improve your summer vacation ideas? Please feel free to comment or leave your successful road trip testimonials in the comments below! And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back! Facebook: http://facebook.com/mattcarterauthor Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCarterAuthor Hello boys and girls! It's summer here in the good old U-S-of-A, an important time in all young people's lives. It is a time for celebration, a time for relaxation, and a time for one of those most important of young human rituals: the great American road trip. Now, you will find all sorts of guides that will help you have a perfectly peaceful trips, but where is the excitement? Where's the adventure? Where's the wildly dangerous risk-taking that could end with an unintentional body count? No, this guide isn't for those who want just another boring, old trip. This guide is designed for those of you out there who can't have a good time without fleeing from a deranged maniac wielding a chainsaw and wearing the skin of your best friend or awakening an eldritch horror with a thirst for the blood of the innocent from its ancient slumber. Or one of these. I have no idea what the hell this is. Throughout the month of July I will be posting a series of how-to guides to better help you plan a thrilling, once-in-a-lifetime summer road trip! Part 1 in our series covers the necessary step of pre-trip planning. BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE, ASK YOURSELF, "WHY AM I TAKING THIS TRIP?" Now, a lot of people will tell you to know why you are taking your trip and plan accordingly. They'll tell you all sorts of things about "sightseeing" or "relaxation" or "family fun". These people are boring. Real trips are about the journey, not the destination. Why make great plans for a trip when you can just randomly show up at your destination and let nature take its course? Nature! CHOOSING YOUR VEHICLE Typical wisdom says that, when planning a road trip, make sure your car is in proper, working order. Take it into a shop before you leave for your trip, and always make sure you've got a fresh battery, air in the tires, and a tank full of gas. Now where's the fun in that? Doing these things before you head out takes up valuable time that could instead be spent on life's finer pursuits, namely underage drinking and premarital intercourse. And taking a new car? New cars lack space. I recommend taking the oldest, most beaten-up looking vehicle you can find. Not only can you fit more people in these, generally, but they're a lot less likely to get stolen! It's win-win! Sure, your car will probably break down or fail to start when you need it most, but the memories of what you did instead of getting your car taken care of will last a lifetime, however long that may be! Instances of this happening are pretty rare, I'm told. PACKING FOR YOUR TRIP Space will always be at a premium in your car on this road trip, so remember to reserve as much of it as possible for alcohol. You never know when you'll be able to find another liquor store in whatever abandoned stretch of the middle of nowhere you decide to have your trip, so remember to BYOB! Not enough room? No problem! Feel free to eliminate other unnecessary items that you may or may not have already packed, like clothing, spare tires or sensible footwear! Repeatedly tripping in a comical manner will make you the life of the party! In this day and age where everyone and everything has a video camera somewhere in it, also be sure to bring along with you plenty of extra memory/film and batteries. You never know when you're going to want to film 8-72 hours straight, even past the point where recording everything seems like a sensible idea! These kids sure knew how to have fun with a camera! WHO TO BRING Tip: Be sure to bring people with lots of personality, as defined in this picture. When deciding who you wish to take your road trip with, first make a list of all of your close friends and family. Do not invite any of these people. What fun is it traveling with people you already know and trust? You already know and trust them. Why not take your trip with a bunch of good-looking, near-interesting, casual acquaintances? By taking your trip with relative strangers, you always stand a chance at making new friends and even more exciting memories. If you're having trouble thinking of anyone to bring, consider the bringing one (or all) of the following types of people you probably already know! The Jock You never know when you'll need to do some heavy lifting, so it is always important to have at least one of these around, and in a crisis they often think they are great leaders! As a general note, the louder and dumber they are, the stronger they are. Consider this when choosing your jock. The Practical Joker They keep things interesting, even if their jokes aren't particularly funny. If one of these cannot be found on short notice, they can be easily substituted with "The Nerd" or "The Slacker" or, if you are truly desperate, "The Hippie." Though the last one might not be easy to find in this day and age, consider yourself lucky if you can as they often have stores of certain illegal substances that can really liven up the trip. If you're truly lucky, you'll find someone who fits all these types. The Bombshell You do plan on "getting some" on this road trip, as the kids today say, right? Well, stock up on some bombshells! Often blonde, often cheerleaders, and often prone to screaming and exploring strange noises while scantily clad, they are a welcome addition to any great road trip. Did I mention they're often scantily clad? Feel free to bring as many as can be fit into your vehicle without losing necessary alcohol space! The Heartthrob See "THE BOMBSHELL", replace blonde with "dreamy" and cheerleaders with "struggling musicians". All other text remain the same. The Bad Boy His eyes are soulful, his past is troubled, and he may or may not give into his dark urges with the proper push. He'll add a necessary air of mystery and possibly even some excitement should anything unplanned occur! The "Why Did We Bring Them Along?" Nobody knows them and nobody even knows who invited them, but nobody will be able to ignore their presence. Every road trip should have one person everyone constantly questions why they were brought, be it due to obnoxiousness, kleptomania, debilitating fear of moths or rank body odor (preferably all of the above). By bringing someone like this along, any mistakes you make will be readily forgotten. The Good Girl Even if your trip is mostly an excuse for debauchery, it's never a bad idea to bring along a quiet, virginal girl. She's sweet, she works as a solid moral compass and is good at dispensing sensible advice. As a general rule, the more of her advice you ignore, the more fun your trip will be. The Hitchhiker Never be afraid of picking up hitchhikers. After all, what's the worst that could happen? So ends Part 1 of our special How-To guide! Stay tuned for our next entry, "Choosing a Location"!
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AuthorMatt Carter is an author of Horror, Sci-Fi, and yes even a little bit of Young Adult fiction. Along with his wife, F.J.R. Titchenell, he is represented by Fran Black of Literary Counsel and lives in the usually sunny town of San Gabriel, CA. Archives
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